Week 4 Recap - Stonks and PPD's

As the NFL deals with its first COVID positives, the managers of the LQML were forced into action, dealing with game delays and surprise Peter Dagers. Some guarded against the future uncertainty with sound personal finance advice, others settled with savvy pickups on the waiver wire. Let’s see which team’s stonks are on the rise coming off of Week 4. WEEK 4 RECAP:

Knobby Packers (3-1) def. Too Many Cooks (3-1)

190.18 - 158.8

    For the second week in a row, Alex St. Peter’s Knobby Packers were engaged in an absolute slugfest with their opponents. Last week it ended in disappointment and bitter oof-dom. This week, however, the result was sweet, sweet victory. KNOB put up the week’s top score and handed Too Many Cooks their first loss of the year. Despite the final margin of 30 points, it was far from an anxiety-free victory for St. Peter. “Currently projected to have the 2nd highest score this week and lose. Again.” St. Peter said after the afternoon games, clearly feeling the effects of  PTOOTWD (Post-Traumatic Oof of the Week Disorder). Luckily for St. Peter, George Kittle heard his lamentations and responded with a 40 point effort Sunday night, setting Aaron Rodgers and Aaron Jones up for a 20 point layup on Monday to seal the victory.
    
    It would not be a surprise if this matchup turned out to be a preview of the championship. KNOB has the look of a powerhouse in the league this year. Not only did their starters almost break 200 points, but their bench had all but two players score in the double-digits. Meanwhile, Too Many Cooks was the only undefeated team heading into this week, and it took George Kittle coming out as God to end that. When you can have Odell Beckham Jr. hanging 38 points on your bench and still come out with the 2nd best score of the week, you’re in a good place. Most crucially, the stars for both teams have remained healthy (knock on wood for Chris Carson). If that remains true, so will their status as frontrunners.

    P.S. This marks the third time in four weeks, the top two scores of the week happened to be matched up. I’ll stop bringing it up when it stops being interesting.

Team Grimm (3-1) def. Hostert with the Mostert (1-3)

120.78 - 110.32

    Team Grimm joins the above teams in the 3-win club, as they knab a victory over Hostert with the Mostert. GRIM overcame an early injury to Austin Ekeler, their 2nd injury to a key RB in recent weeks. This injury, and great performances by Mark Andrews and Terry McLaurin, gave HOST an early advantage. The tides changed when Dak Prescott tried to will his NFL team, the Dallas McCarthies, to victory. He put up 500+ yards and 4 TD’s, bringing himself and top WR Amari Cooper to over 70 combined fantasy points. While it wasn’t enough to save the McCarthies, it would do it for Team Grimm.

After riding high with the top score in Week 1, HOST has gone on a 3 game skid. There is a potential for a bounceback with the return of key starters like Davante Adams and the all-important-yet-boyardee-bloated Raheem Mostert, but will it be enough to salvage the new brand? Initial reports have revealed that team merchandise, such as face masks bearing “HOST” on them, haven’t been selling.

Outdated Sheets (2-2) def. 3 Pete (1-3)

140.72 - 98.64

Outdated Sheets followed up their first victory last week with another refreshing performance. “Joe ‘Jesus Christ’ Mixon apparently decided to play this week.” said SHTS owner Zach Pauras. And play he did, posting the week’s top performance at 42.1. This score made up for Derrell Henderson Jr.’s underwhelming showing, but beyond that SHTS had good performances by most starters.

3 Pete had a frustrating week by all accounts. They saw almost every 2nd string player on the bench hit this week. The 5 player bench put up 90.8 points vs. 98.64 from the starters. The thing is, there are few substitutions that would have made up the difference by virtue of the fact that an opposing RB put up a score that starts with 4 and isn’t followed by a decimal. Both teams were also hit pretty heavily by the COVID Peter Dagers. 3P lost two typical starters in James Connor and Juju Smith-Schuster (to be faiiiiiiiiiiiir, SHTS lost RB1 Derrick Henry). Tom Brady also posted 30+ point week, easily outpacing Gardner Minshew for both weeks he’s been replaced, and… well... “!pain” said owner Kevin Duong, clarifying later with ,”!fork”. 

When Does Hockey Start (2-2) def. Respect the Specks (1-3)

112.84 - 95.52

     When Does Hockey Start won their second straight match, led by a bounceback performance from Melvin Gordon. This matchup featured a showdown between Cleveland’s two very productive RB’s in Nick Chubb and Kareem Hunt, but that contest was cut short after Chubb’s early injury. Chubb looks to be out for about 6 weeks, a damaging blow to a roster that could really use some consistency from week-to-week. Fortunately for GOGS, they did gain what could be a major asset last week when they won the Justin Jefferson Waiver Wire Sweepstakes. Jefferson was the lone bright spot for the GOGS receiver corps and looks to be the type of first round receiver we won’t have to memorialize with a Fantasy League 5 years from now. Finally a little credit where it’s due, Rodrigo Blankenship has put forth a great start to his rookie campaign and is currently the 2nd best kicker in the league. GOGS’ namesake was the top scorer from the Colts last week, and one could argue he’s the most reliable performer besides Lamar Jackson for his fantasy team.

Now it's time for your weekly dose of schadenfreude with...

As covered above, Dak Prescott went bananas in a valiant attempt to give his team a shot at victory. 500 yards and 4TD’s is an awful lot of real-estate to distribute over one’s receiving corps. Amari Cooper earned the lion’s share en route to a 33-point showing, but after subtracting that you still have 368 yards and 3 TD’s to go around. CeeDee Lamb lit up the Knobby Packer’s bench with 25 points. Even Zeke got 17 of his points from the passing game. Surely, anyone who started a Dallas WR cashed in on Sunday, right? Well… anyone besides Hostert with the Mostert, whose owner Evan Wilberg started Michael Gallup in place of the injured Chris Godwin. On a day when Dak provided 500 yards, Gallup took exactly 29 of them on 2 receptions. He was outdone on the receiving game by all four other DAL WR’s, their TE, and their RB. With HOST losing to GRIM by 10 points, all it would have taken was a two or three catches to go Gallup’s way instead of Coopers for a different result. Alas, Gallup could not find his way out of Cooper’s shadow (or Lamb’s or Zeke’s or…*checks notes* Dalton Schultz’s), and HOST takes their 3rd straight L. That’s enough for the Oof of the Week.

WEEK 5 MATCHUPS:

Hostert with the Mostert (1-3) vs. Respect the Specks (1-3)

3 Pete (1-3) vs. Team Grimm (3-1)

Too Many Cooks (3-1) vs. Outdated Sheets (2-2)

When Does Hockey Start (2-2) vs. Knobby Packers (3-1)

League News: -Thank you to all league members for getting your entry fees in. -When (or if) we reach the halfway point of the NFL season, I may propose some contingency plans for payouts. An example would be if NFL season were cancelled during the first round of Fantasy playoffs, the entry fees could be split evenly among all teams in the Winner’s Bracket. -I will go into more details after the halfway point is reached. Payout changes will be made only with unanimous approval by all league owners.

Best of luck in Week 5! 

Week 3 Recap - Updated Sheets

Week 3 saw a leveling of the playing field, as the two teams who had yet to grasp victory absolutely

seized it. And amidst a sea of 1-2’s and 2-1’s a single 3-0 team has emerged.

Let’s break down Week 3 in the LaQuon Treadwell Memorial Leauge.  WEEK 3 RECAP:

Outdated Sheets (1-2) def. Knobby Packers (2-1)

188.14 - 168.02

Outdated Sheets broke out of their rut in grand fashion, posting the high score of the week and the young season. They would need nearly all of it to win their first game over the Knobby Packers. The schedule gods have been cruel so far this year: For the second time in three weeks, the top two scores happened to be matched up against each other. 

KNOB brought the week’s top performance at RB with Alvin Kamara (44.7) and D/ST with Indianapolis (27:pogchamp), but it was not enough to defeat a complete team effort by SHTS. 5 of the 7 skill players on SHTS posted at least 20 points, with Josh Allen (31.2) leading the charge on his dick-dropping tour. When asked what he did to inspire his team, owner Zach Pauras said, “I didn’t want to start the season like the vikings so I told the team if we won this week everyone was getting Dilly Bars from DQ.”

Team Grimm (2-1) def. Respect the Specs (1-2) 

136.78 - 107.18

Team Grimm improves to 2-1 on the backs of two 30+ point RB performances. This, despite the injury bug continuing to nag, as GRIM TE Dallas Geoddart had a 1st Quarter exit. For GOGS, it was a subdued performance as last week’s fantasy hydra, JuTyvin Riddlebee, could not repeat the magic of Week 2, and FLEX Dionte Johnson was lost early to a concussion. Newly freed RB Nick Chubb ended up posting the high water mark for the team at 24 points. Perhaps last week’s benching was merely a motivational tactic. 

When Does Hockey Start (1-2) def. Hostert with the Mostert (1-2)

166.3 - 118.9

Owner Dan Bell returns from the Pro Disc-Golf Tour to lead WILD to their first victory in a near-50 point spanking of Hostert with the Mostert. Sources say owner Evan Wilberg spent an inordinate amount of his Saturday sweating his FLEX selection, and despite a team-leading performance by Michael Gallup, it proved completely meaningless. Tyler Lockett dominated with 3TD’s and 100 Yards, and Patrick Mahomes did as Patrick Mahomes does, spearheading WILD’s impressive week. Bell’s return coincided with the return of WR Kenny Golladay, which would cause a lesser reporter to speculate that last week’s injury may have really been frisbee-related.

Too Many Cooks (3-0) def. 3 Pete (1-2)

150.8 - 120.9

While there are no more winless teams in the LaQuon Treadwell Memorial League, there is only one lossless one. Too Many Cooks improves to 3-0 and takes sole possession of first place in the league (yessss, let the jinx flow through you…). FLEX pick Keenan Allen showed up hard with a 30 point day. Russell Wilson also put up great numbers, solidifying his standing as the top QB in the LTML. On the flip-side, 3 Pete attempted to find a spark at QB by replacing Tom Brady with Gardner Minshew. Unfortunately, Minshew’s play could not match the superiority of his facial hair. The 27.6 spread between Minshew and Wilson was very nearly the entire difference in the week’s matchup. Regardless, I am a fan 3 Pete’s acquisition. Minshew is a tragically overlooked figure, and if you don’t believe me you should look up his post-game interview last week where he revealed he was not included in the team’s TD cellies.

With the recaps in the books, it's time for...

Sometimes we don’t choose the Oofs, but rather the Oofs choose us. Such is the case this week as it goes to the Knobby Packers for out-scoring every team in the league… except the one that they were facing. This is the 2nd time in 3 weeks a team has been screwed by the schedule gods. This seemed highly unlikely, so I hired an analytics firm to calculate the exact odds of this taking place. They told me this kind of thing occurs only 4.2069% of the time. We are truly blessed.  

WEEK 4 MATCHUPS:

Team Grimm (2-1) vs. Hostert with the Mostert (1-2)

Outdated Sheets (1-2) vs. 3 Pete (1-2)

Knobby Packers (2-1) vs. Too Many Cooks (3-0)

Respect the Specs (1-2) vs. When Does Hockey Start (1-2)

League News:

One more reminder that if you haven’t yet paid your $20 entry fee, please send it via Venmo: @EvanWilberg. We’ve got almost everyone. ***In light of the recent positive COVID-19 tests for Tennessee, I wanted to remind everyone that entry fees will be returned if the season is called off early.

Best of luck to all teams this week. The commish wanted me to mention that he will be taking any action on the MLB postseason. Unless the Twins are swept in the first round, in which case he’s gonna need some time.

Week 2 Recap - Everybody Hurts

A rash of big name injuries casts a pall on an otherwise entertaining Week 2 in the LTML. It is a dangerous world out there: If the ‘Rona don’t get you, the 250-pound hyper-athlete flying at your legs probably will. Despite this, there is still cause for celebration this week as I introduce a brand-new segment. BUT FIRST! The results from Week 2:  

WEEK 2 RECAP:

(1-1) 3 Pete def. (0-2) When Does Hockey Start

140.98 - 137.78

    3P nips its first win of the year in a closer-than-anticipated matchup over WILD. Owner Kevin Duong received solid contributions across the board from everyone not named Tom Brady. The same could be said for the WILD roster, great showings all around except for Kenny Golladay, which is pretty understandable since he was out with a hamstring injury just like week 1.

    As you may have noticed from the score above, any warm body off the bench to replace Golladay would have resulted in a WILD victory. Hell, if they had claimed and started Bisi Johnson, it would have been enough to put them over the edge for their first victory. I very nearly thought about making this lapse the ‘Oof of the Week’, except for one thing: Owner Dan Bell has already made it well known how hands-off his ownership style is. In an early meeting regarding the draft, Bell told the commissioner, “I have a life and don’t care about fantasy like most people,” and advised the league to “enjoy roflstomping me all season.” So far, rival owners are playing right into his hand.

(2-0) Too Many Cooks def. (1-1) Hostert with the Mostert

170.42 - 140.84

    In real football, many have rejoiced about the Seahawks finally letting Russell Wilson cook with his offense. That means, in the Laquon Treadwell Memorial League, he’s exactly where he ought to be. Wilson’s 5 TD performance led Too Many Cooks to the highest score of the week and a victory over freshly re-branded Hostert with the Mostert. TMC shined in prime-time, scoring almost half their points during the Sunday and Monday night games. HOST QB Kyler Murray’s performance was nearly as prolific as Wilson’s, but mid-game injuries to Davante Adams and Raheem Mostert deflated their overall production. All things considered, HOST got off easy with the injury bug this week. Adams is day-to-day with hamstring issues and Mostert is likely to miss one week with stomach cramps related to rapid pasta intake (and an MCL sprain).

(1-1) Respect the Specs def. (0-2) Outdated Sheets

132.86 - 112.28

    It was a wild ride of a week for Respect the Specs. Many of the finer details we will cover in our new segment, but at the end of the day, they got it done and secured their first win. Calvin Ridley had another monster game, combining with Julian Edelman and Tyler Higbee to create a bizarre hydra of fantasy magic. That’s the last good news for GOGS. Ready for the half-good news? Their K/Mascot Kenny Blankenship played well enough to outscore every RB in the matchup. That’s the last half-good news. Ready for the suck? You probably already know. Saquon Barkley is done for the year. As is Nick Bosa, key player in the SF Defense. Also, the Falcons lost in a way that can cruelly be described as vintage. Don’t get me wrong, they won the week and all, but in the words of co-owner Katie Hart, “!fuck.”

    As for Outdated Sheets, it was Josh Allen followed with death-by-a-thousand-mehs. Owner Zach Pauras did nothing wrong. Leonard Fournette may have lit up the bench, but few in an 8-team league would’ve started him. Plus, he started losing star players to injuries last week, before it was cool. An 0-2 start has Pauras preaching “doom and gloom for the Outdated Sheets,” but there’s more hope for his team than other 0-2 ones in Minnesota. On a final note, for all my gushing about Wilson and Murray, Josh Allen beat them with a cool 34.48. Is that sustainable? Hell if I know, I just write meme blogs.

(2-0) Knobby Packers def. (1-1) Team Grimm

159.7 - 145.8

    This was the matchup of the week, folks. It was a back and forth affair with star performances, comebacks, and counter-comebacks. KNOB got off to a blazing start on the back of Aaron Jones’ mammoth 45.6 point performance. Then, just as he did in IRL football, Dak Prescott dragged his team back into it, giving GRIM a 27.5 lead after Sunday’s games concluded. KNOB had Alvin Kamara and the Saints D/ST yet to play on Monday, and the projections had it coming down to a 0.3 difference. Kamara got off to a hot start and looked to put KNOB over the top early, but then the Saints D buckled. They started hemorrhaging points and gave GRIM back the lead with as little as 4:45 left to go in the 4th. A Saints 3-and-out could have sealed it for Team Grimm, but alas the stars did what stars do. Brees and Kamara connected often against the Vegas prevent D, and put the game firmly in the hands of Knobby Packers with a final score that is not indicative of how close the matchup was. KNOB improves to 2-0, and is not somebody you will want to face until at least one of his RB’s chills the fuck out.

    GRIM did well to shed themselves of most of their Vikings pieces from Week 1, but now face other news that is even grimmer: Christian McCaffrey, the 1st overall pick by anyone who isn’t memeing, will be out 4-6 weeks with the dreaded high ankle sprain. Cortland Sutton was also thrown onto the funeral pyre with tears in all of his CL’s. “2020 was a mistake.” said owner Jared Grimm. 

Speaking of mistakes, it’s time for a brand new segment that I call…

    One of the Fantasy Football proverbs, known by nerds with enough spare time to listen to Fantasy Football podcasts, is that the key for Week 2 is not overreacting to Week 1. If that’s the case, it’s safe to say GOGS co-owner Nathan Hart is, in fact, not a nerd.

    Following an admittedly poor Week 1 performance against one of the league’s best defenses, Hart decided to bench RB Nick Chubb in favor of *checks notes*... Nyheim Hines. Chubb, former Bulldog and last year’s runner-up to the rushing title, proceeded to eviscerate the Bengals to the tune of 124 yards and 2 TD’s. Hines, who began the year as third on the Colts RB depth chart, caught one pass for 4 yards against the Minnesota “New Bengals” Vikings. Hines’ performance, coupled with the injury to Barkley, gave GOGS a grand total of 4.2 points from their Week 2 Running Backs. That’s enough for the Oof of the week.

    Now, TO BE FAIR, I did have some hesitation about selecting this as our inaugural Oof of the Week. Hart has already publicly acknowledged this oof (“I made bad choices”), and in the end he still won the damn game. You could speculate, as I did earlier, that WILD’s owner Dan Bell is more deserving for starting an injured player and losing by 3, but if an oof falls in the middle of a meme blog, and the oof-er isn’t around to read it, is it still an oof?

WEEK 3 MATCHUPS:

(1-1) HOST vs. (0-2) WILD

(1-1) 3P vs. (2-0) TMC

(1-1) GRIM vs. (1-1) GOGS

(0-2) SHTS vs (2-0) KNOB

League News

Nothing new League-wise. Best of luck in Week 3, and remember to bless all the knees and keep them healthy.

Week 1 - Recap

Hello sports fans/degenerate gamblers, and welcome to D'Jasper Probincrux's  coverage of the 2020 LaQuon Treadwell Memorial League. Some of you may remember me from my coverage of FIFA 2018's Flaccid Avengers, a team that really took the league by hostage before collapsing internally like the stars that they were. Following that assignment I left in search of the memeing of life, and after reading the Wikipedia page for 2020 so far, I believe I'm in the right place...

Each week until the league gets cancelled, I'll give a summary of the match-ups along with any other questionably relevant league news. The commish forwarded me an advance of $160 over Venmo, so expect that level of quality.

We'll start with the match-ups for this week

(1-0) The Minnesota Fantasy Team def. (0-1) 3 Pete

185.1 - 155.3

The squad formerly known as The Minnesota Fantasy Team posted this week's top score of 185.1 in a victory over returning, returning, returning champions 3 Pete. A textbook case of Fantasy blue balls, 3 Pete's score of 155.3 would have been a win in any other Week 1 match-up. MNFT benefited from riding the week's top WR1, RB1, and TE performances. Accepting Davante Adams' 41.6 points felt, "reminiscent to Judas' 30 silver pieces," said owner Evan Wilberg, but he insists he came to grips with Adams' necessary evil when he drafted him. 3 Pete did find a silver lining in the performance of Kansas City rookie RB Clyde Edwards-Helaire, who seems to set up for success as a the ground compliment to Patrick Mahomes' prolific passing attack. If his level of production continues, 3 Pete will likely boast the best RB combo in the league with Edwards-Helaire and Ezekiel Elliot.

(1-0) Too Many Cooks def. (0-1) When Does Hockey Start 

130.68 - 125.34

After expertly stocking their kitchen during the draft, Too Many Cooks served up a spicy meatball with a 130.68 to 125.34 victory over When Does Hockey Start. Only one of the three Cooks got the start, but between Dalvin and the Seattle duo of Chris Carson and Russell Wilson, it was enough. AI enthusiast Dan Bell had a very different drafting strategy, and very nearly pulled off the victory led by fourth overall pick Patrick Mahomes. In fact, WILD was inches away from a last second upset if A.J. Brown had hauled in his final target in the End Zone. When asked if he was disappointed, Bell was unavailable, citing disc golf obligations.

(1-0) Team Grimm def. (0-1) Outdated Sheets

104.94 - 98.18

Team Grimm was among the Week 1 winners, taking its match-up with Outdated Sheets. GRIM had to overcome a self-inflicted wound in the form of the Vikings defense/special teams, whose -9 points absorbed the contributions of the other two Vikings starters, K Dan Bailey and TE Irv Smith Jr. Luckily, Run CMC and Julio Jones provided anchor performances. Outdated Sheets was snakebit by a high ankle sprain to WR1 and seventh overall pick Michael Thomas. This finicky injury, combined with a strong bench performance by Jameson Crowder, presents SHTS owner Zach Paurus with some tough decisions for Week 2. For guidance, this reporter recommends flipping coins or casting chicken bones. 

(1-0) Knobby Packers def. (0-1) Respect The Specs
154.22 - 118.4

Knobby Packers put up an impressive 154.22 points en route to a victory over Respect The Specs (118.4). KNOB WR1 Adam Thielen led the way with a garbage-time feast, but the entire team contributed to the solid start. In contrast, GOGS suffered below-average performances by everyone not named Calvin Ridley and Lamar Jackson, and an uncharacteristically bad day from Nick Chubb.  GOGS is a better squad than Week 1 would have you believe. That said, it is my duty as a journalist to point out that GOGS K/Team Mascot Kenny Blankenship (50th overall) was out-performed by KNOB K Harrison Butker (117th overall), and almost tripled-up by FLEX Will Fuller V (53rd overall). Going into Monday night, RB1 Saquon Barkley could still deliver GOGS a victory with a mere 50-point performance. Co-owner Nathan Hart described his chances, "as good as Swift making the game winning catch in his rookie nfl game." 

WEEK 2 MATCH-UPS:

HOST*(1-0) vs. TMC (1-0)
3P (0-1) vs. WILD (0-1)
KNOB (1-0) vs. GRIM (1-0)
SHTS (0-1) vs. GOGS (0-1)

*formerly MNFT

League News

• The league payout format will be as it was in years past: 
• Champion gets $120 
• Runner-up gets $40 
• Everyone else will have to find redemption in DotA.
  
  
• If the league does not finish, your entry fee will be returned.
   
• If you haven't paid your $20 entry fee yet, please send it to the commish via Venmo: @EvanWilberg 

And finally:

• After struggling all off-season with re-branding and copyright issues, The Minnesota Fantasy Team has finally secured the rights to its new identity. Starting Week 2, the MNFT will now be known as team "Hostert With The Mostert". Reasons for the delay were largely due to negotiation breakdowns between ownership and Raheem Mostert's agent regarding compensation. Though the terms of the deal are officially classified, my sources say ownership ended up offering Mostert's camp between 48-52 cans of Chef Boyardee. In a press conference following the deal, owner Evan Wilberg addressed fans and shareholders, "As an organization, we are elated to have a found an identity that is both corny and dank enough to belong in a modern fantasy league. I want to assure our loyal fans, that this is still, in every way, a Minnesota organization. You can rest assured that we stay true to our local roots, and that every year we will fail to live up to our early expectations."

With that, Week 1 is in the books! See you next Tuesday, and good luck in Week 2!

"FIFA RIP"

Wrap it up folks, after a tense fourteen weeks of on-again-off-again talks, the negotiations between the Flaccid Avengers and the Fédération Internationale de Football Association have been declared officially dead. 

An EA/FIFA spokeman spoke to a crowd of dozens at a press conference Tuesday,

"We announce that effective immediately the team known as the 'Flaccid Avengers' are banned from participation in FIFA leagues. Moreover, we encourage anyone with information on the whereabouts of rouge forward Stealthpants to come forth as he is still wanted for several knee and leg injuries to our officials."

When asked if they were concerned that the Avengers' departure would hurt the sport he replied, "Of course not. We still have their money."

The Avengers leave behind a small yet dedicated fan base who populated Flaccid Nation through highs, such as the team's ascension to D7, and lows, like a 400 minute scoring drought.

"Am I sad? Absolutely." said an anonymous fan on Twitch. "We all saw their promise, but at the end of the day it's extremely difficult to keep superstars of such caliber together."

Indeed, the writing seemed to be on the wall for those following the team in 2018. In addition to the Stealthpants serial slide-tackle incident mentioned above, confusion over Ace's well documented WoWcrack hobby caused friendly flaming among the Avengers' own ranks. TheSaint's playing visa expired in early February which he chose not to renew because "fifa rip". In perhaps the final nail in the coffin, top prospect Wonderwoman was spotted in Georgia last month, presumably eyeing a transition to the MLS' Atlanta United. 

Though the team has disbanded, this is not the end for the player's careers in the public eye. They remain in regular contact with each other and engage in the occasional round of impeccable and mistake-free Dota. Former team captain Ace has already landed on his feet. He has augmented his WoWcrack schedule with a successful IRL cooking show, pulling in more views in one session preparing tacos than all of the Flaccid Avengers games combined. I managed to catch up to him on a break in his intense schedule and asked him to sum up the Flaccid Avengers' legacy:

"In the end, it all reminds me of a Greek tragedy, you know? Dickarus. That's us. We got flaccid too close to the toaster."

As fitting an epitaph as there could be. Flaccid then. Flaccid now. Flaccid Forever.

As for this reporter, I find myself at a crossroads. Even though my career as a FIFA reporter is over, I find myself unable to return to the life I left behind. There comes a time in every man's life when he discovers his purpose, and once he does, it can no longer be denied. My purpose takes me beyond the skating rinks of Coon Rapids or the worm farms of Steven's Point. I belong in the farthest reaches that the internet can take me, to the ends of the Twitterverse and beyond. I will continue looking for new stories like the Flaccid Avengers that need to be told, and give them the voice that they deserve. From now on I, D'Jasper Probincrux III, go ever onward, pursuing the memeing of life.

Flaccid Files: Zaron9

A couple days before Christmas, I had the honor of being invited to lunch with some of your very own Flaccid Avengers. We met up at Rodizio's, a restaurant known for its all-you-can-eat quinoa salads. In attendance were Impizzle, team captain Ace, and assistant captain Zaron9 along with an entourage of friends. Just before the food comas set in, Zaron was kind enough to talk some shop so we could build his Flaccid File. We covered a wide range of topics even by FF standards, including teamwork, parenting, and even religion. I hope you enjoy the Flaccid Files for Zaron9:

DP3: You came into this season as assistant captain and one of the more capable strikers the Flaccid Avengers had to offer, however there were some well-documented struggles with accuracy. Your shots had a tendency to sail anywhere between 3 and 80 feet high of the goal. Recently, all that has changed. You’ve managed to level out your cannon of a leg and have since been testing the verticals of every keeper in the league. To what do you owe this improvement? Did you do any special routine to break out of the funk or was this a purely mental phenomenon?

Zaron: I would have to say the largest contributor to my increased accuracy would be the addition of WonderWoman to the club. As the finest student I've ever had come through my Academy of Missing The Target, she is currently sporting a 0% shot accuracy which far exceeds my expectations. As such, I've had to swing a pendulum a bit the other way to naturally level things out to around the customary 7%.

DP3: It would be fair to say you’re the busiest man in FIFA. In addition to playing a significant amount of games with the Avengers, you have 2 kids and are running a farm with your wife. Can you talk a bit about balancing all these different aspects of your life? How do you find the hours?

Zaron: Coffee helps to balance all things. Just have a little healthy dose in the morning, another healthy dose in the morning, some more coffee around lunch time, and another cup or two to round it out in the afternoon. Thankfully my wife is very understanding and, after a few hours of hand-holding, is able to run the farm on her own now (albeit inefficiently).

DP3: Follow-up question regarding the little Zarons, have you started them on any FIFA prep-programs yet? Have they had their first micro-transactions?

Zaron: The little Zarons know how to run the toy cash register and can kick a ball, but no specific FIFA training yet.

DP3: One last question, but it’s a bit of a doozy: If my research is correct Zaron, you were named after a legendary hunter from the Online Church of the Phantasy Star. In the PSO church, it is prophesied that one day Zaron will complete his eternal journey through time and space and finally achieve level 200. It goes onto say that when Zaron achieves this, he will ask everyone to privately reflect on their life choices. Now, in my younger days, I too was a follower of the Online Church of the Phantasy Star, spending upwards of 300 hours in worship. Eventually, though, I stopped in favor of more modern alternatives. You, however, have remained a devout church of PSO follower all these years. If you don’t mind, could you talk about how you’ve been able to maintain such strong faith? Do you have any words for those who call the PSO church “outdated”? Finally, do you maintain belief that Zaron will achieve level 200 in our lifetimes, and, if so, what do you think that day will be like?

Zaron: As for PSO, sometimes you just need to have a lot of faith. Most people never even make it half way up the mountain, and I'm knocking on the door of the summit. I imagine that day to feature much rejoicing, a lot of high fives, and maybe one man in the background yelling "RHEEEEEEEE".

Keep climbing, Zaron, and may the Photon Drops be with you. 

I hope all in Flaccid Nation had a fantastic holiday season! In just a couple days, 2017 will be in the rear view mirror and we will be planting our feet in 2018. I sincerely hope you keep coming back to Flaccid Fifa for what will undoubtedly be the most entertaining and original Avengers-related media you'll see this year. Have a happy new year, and flap on, Flaccid Nation!

WoWcracks in the Mirror - Habits Test the Avenger Locker Room

The life of a professional Fifa player is not as easy as it looks. The competition is fierce, opponents repeatedly dive after the ball with no regard to enemy knees. The schedule can be physically taxing, sometimes 5 or 6 games are scheduled on the same night. On top of that, you face constant judgment and ridicule from the league, the media, and even your own teammates. With all that, it's no wonder that career Fifa players often seek respite from this harsh environment. For some, including members of the Flaccid Avengers, that respite goes by the name of 'WoWcrack'.

For those of you unfamiliar, WoWcrack is a widely-popular substance used by an estimated 10 million people world-wide. It has been around for quite some time. Records of its use go back as early as 2004, with the still-popular "Vanilla WoWcrack" variety. WoWcrack is often consumed socially. Groups of up to 40 people convene and use the drug together in what are known as "raiding parties". Over half of all Fifa players reported trying WoWcrack at some point in their careers (often for 1-6 month periods "just to see what it's like"), but an estimated 32.33 (repeating of course) percentage admit that they continue to use recreational WoWcrack during the Fifa regular season. 

WoWcrack is not included on FIFA's banned substances list, so its use is quite legal, but even if there aren't consequences from the league, sometimes WoWcrack creates consequences in the locker room. Last Sunday on social media, TheSaint emptied out the sriracha bottle for this spicy-hot take:  

"I got [into] fifa to play fifa not to watch [my career] collect dust upon my shelf - RIP fun times"

"I blame WoWcrack for derailing our ascention to the sky-courts of Norway"

-thesaint,12/10/17

Though he didn't name names, Saint was almost certainly referencing the behavior of the Flaccid Avenger captain Ace, perhaps the most well known local Fifa player with a WoWcrack habit. Although he later stated he was "decorating the house with [his] mom" that night, Ace has always been transparent about the fact that he schedules team matches and practices around his WoWcrack use. "I have a very clear and consistent schedule when I am scheduled to be on WoWcrack, and am free anytime before those hours." Ace replied when asked for comment. "I would also like to point out that my doctor prescribed me WoWcrack as a means to cope with the stress of another activity the FIFA team has been known to do, which is DOTA." Medicinal WoWcrack prescriptions, while not rare, are still a subject of disagreement in the medical community. Regardless, Ace firmly believes WoWcrack helps him be the best captain he can be, "...without it I would be worse, both on and off the pitch."

If the WoWcrack controversy is negatively effecting the team, you couldn't tell it by the scoreboard. The Avengers recovered from a rough start in most recent season to remain entrenched in D8, and have been playing at a level that should soon make them one of the top 500 teams based out of Eden Prarie. All this while Zaron9 finishes recovering from dysentery and top prospect Wonderwoman continues her battle with spontaneous narcolepsy. Overcoming adversity is the mark of champions, and if the Avengers can persevere through these distractions and continue improving, Flaccid Nation will emerge as strong as ever.