Congratulations reader! We have survived a bizarre and highly puckered trip around the sun. Our reward is another year of collective degeneracy and top-tier shitposting. Who’s with me???
Now before I continue, I have to address something: It has come to my attention that my write-ups from last year unceremoniously ceased with a good 2-3 weeks still to go in the season. I apologize for this. As a lifelong Minnesota sports fan, I assumed all seasons conclude after the first round of playoffs. My bad.
That said, an overdue congratulations is owed to last year’s Champion Knobby Packers! It is truly the most Packers thing in the world to go into a league full of Vikings fans and find a way to make sure none of them win. Let’s see how the Fantasy gods rewarded you for your display of dominance last year…
WEEK 1 RECAPS
Outdated Sheets (1-0) def. Knobby Packers (0-1)
162.86 - 162.56
Oh…
Respect the Specs (1-0) def. Jared’s Curse (0-1)
115.0 - 111.12
Well you gotta give the man credit, Jared’s Curse owner Jared Grimm is nothing if not self-aware. Now, it’s quite likely that the curse he was referring to was the post-draft season ending injury to his starting TE, Irv Smith Jr. but he also subconsciously predicted how his week 1 was going to go. Things started off just fine with Amari Cooper’s 38.9 debut overshadowing Chris Godwin’s 23.5 on Thursday night. Unfortunately what followed on Sunday was the Fantasy equivalent of falling face-first down a spiral staircase. JRED couldn’t squeeze 15 points out of any other starter while Deebo Samuel put up 31.9 from the bench. SPEC’s QB Jalen Hurts surprised most by putting up 28.8 while 2020 league MVP Aaron Rodgers dribbled out 1.3 points. Even an awful day by Rodger’s standards should have made up the difference, but it wasn’t just awful, it was terrible. Uncannily terrible. One could say even… cursed?
3 Pete (1-0) def. Too Many Cooks (0-1)
121.4 - 100.18
3 Pete begins the 2021 campaign on the right foot with a win over last year’s juggernaut Too Many Cooks. TMC QB Patrick Mahomes nearly doubled up 3P’s Lamar Jackson, but unfortunately for TMC, his weapon of choice in doing so was Tyreek Hill. Hill continues his MO from last year for being able to single-handedly win matchups for his owners once every 3-4 weeks. Add in DK Metcalf as WR2 and 3 Pete might just be the team to break 200 points in a game this season.
145.12 - 106.7
The Battle of the teams-with-full-sentences-as-names is decided in lopsided fashion as WILD delivers a well rounded performance. When 4 players give you 25+ performances, you’re gonna have a good time. I said this at the end of last year: WILD was a better team than their record indicated. They hit some rotten luck early and never really got off the block with momentum. Not so this year. After inarguably winning the draft, they look poised to keep owner Dan Bell interested until at least Week 5.
CHUB’s namesake workhorse didn’t let them down, but they got little-to-nothing out of their back-end starters. Most notably, Brandon Aiyuk who amazingly started yet was targeted 0 times on 29 snaps. It would have been just as good if CHUB had started… wait… do you hear that? What’s that sound??
BAH GAWD, THAT’S LAQUON TREADWELL’S MUSIC!
I really do have to thank the cruel, miserable fantasy gods for this Week 1 layup. Yes, this is where we actually talk about the 0.3 point fantasy eyelash that kept the Knobby Packers from a Week 1 comeback victory. Darren Waller made it more than interesting on Monday night. His 10/105/1 performance increased the SHTS pucker-factor to maximum, and the tension wasn’t even officially over that night. It could have easily been wiped away with a stat correction, but nope. Not today. 3 more yards by anybody. One more reception by anybody. 1 more sack by Buffalo. But alas, the champs start 0-1.
Kudos to SHTS for having the high score on the week, but this of course means that KNOB had the 2nd highest and lost. Classic fantasy blue balls. Hell, KNOB’s bench outscored 3 teams this week. If you want to be optimistic, that’s probably a good sign for what’s to come for the champs, but that’s not what this space is about. That’s PLENTY good enough for Oof of the Week.
WEEK 2 MATCHUPS
Nick Chubb Will Remember This (0-1) vs. Too Many Cooks (0-1)
3 Pete (1-0) vs. When Does Hockey Start (1-0)
Jared’s Curse (0-1) vs. Knobby Packers (0-1)
Outdated Sheets (1-0) vs. Respect The Specks (1-0)
League News
Please Venmo me your entry fee if you haven’t already. I think I have most if not all of everyone’s already. I’ll double-check heading into next week.
Cheers to another year fellas!
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