Flaccid Files: Zaron9

A couple days before Christmas, I had the honor of being invited to lunch with some of your very own Flaccid Avengers. We met up at Rodizio's, a restaurant known for its all-you-can-eat quinoa salads. In attendance were Impizzle, team captain Ace, and assistant captain Zaron9 along with an entourage of friends. Just before the food comas set in, Zaron was kind enough to talk some shop so we could build his Flaccid File. We covered a wide range of topics even by FF standards, including teamwork, parenting, and even religion. I hope you enjoy the Flaccid Files for Zaron9:

DP3: You came into this season as assistant captain and one of the more capable strikers the Flaccid Avengers had to offer, however there were some well-documented struggles with accuracy. Your shots had a tendency to sail anywhere between 3 and 80 feet high of the goal. Recently, all that has changed. You’ve managed to level out your cannon of a leg and have since been testing the verticals of every keeper in the league. To what do you owe this improvement? Did you do any special routine to break out of the funk or was this a purely mental phenomenon?

Zaron: I would have to say the largest contributor to my increased accuracy would be the addition of WonderWoman to the club. As the finest student I've ever had come through my Academy of Missing The Target, she is currently sporting a 0% shot accuracy which far exceeds my expectations. As such, I've had to swing a pendulum a bit the other way to naturally level things out to around the customary 7%.

DP3: It would be fair to say you’re the busiest man in FIFA. In addition to playing a significant amount of games with the Avengers, you have 2 kids and are running a farm with your wife. Can you talk a bit about balancing all these different aspects of your life? How do you find the hours?

Zaron: Coffee helps to balance all things. Just have a little healthy dose in the morning, another healthy dose in the morning, some more coffee around lunch time, and another cup or two to round it out in the afternoon. Thankfully my wife is very understanding and, after a few hours of hand-holding, is able to run the farm on her own now (albeit inefficiently).

DP3: Follow-up question regarding the little Zarons, have you started them on any FIFA prep-programs yet? Have they had their first micro-transactions?

Zaron: The little Zarons know how to run the toy cash register and can kick a ball, but no specific FIFA training yet.

DP3: One last question, but it’s a bit of a doozy: If my research is correct Zaron, you were named after a legendary hunter from the Online Church of the Phantasy Star. In the PSO church, it is prophesied that one day Zaron will complete his eternal journey through time and space and finally achieve level 200. It goes onto say that when Zaron achieves this, he will ask everyone to privately reflect on their life choices. Now, in my younger days, I too was a follower of the Online Church of the Phantasy Star, spending upwards of 300 hours in worship. Eventually, though, I stopped in favor of more modern alternatives. You, however, have remained a devout church of PSO follower all these years. If you don’t mind, could you talk about how you’ve been able to maintain such strong faith? Do you have any words for those who call the PSO church “outdated”? Finally, do you maintain belief that Zaron will achieve level 200 in our lifetimes, and, if so, what do you think that day will be like?

Zaron: As for PSO, sometimes you just need to have a lot of faith. Most people never even make it half way up the mountain, and I'm knocking on the door of the summit. I imagine that day to feature much rejoicing, a lot of high fives, and maybe one man in the background yelling "RHEEEEEEEE".

Keep climbing, Zaron, and may the Photon Drops be with you. 

I hope all in Flaccid Nation had a fantastic holiday season! In just a couple days, 2017 will be in the rear view mirror and we will be planting our feet in 2018. I sincerely hope you keep coming back to Flaccid Fifa for what will undoubtedly be the most entertaining and original Avengers-related media you'll see this year. Have a happy new year, and flap on, Flaccid Nation!