The life of a professional Fifa player is not as easy as it looks. The competition is fierce, opponents repeatedly dive after the ball with no regard to enemy knees. The schedule can be physically taxing, sometimes 5 or 6 games are scheduled on the same night. On top of that, you face constant judgment and ridicule from the league, the media, and even your own teammates. With all that, it's no wonder that career Fifa players often seek respite from this harsh environment. For some, including members of the Flaccid Avengers, that respite goes by the name of 'WoWcrack'.
For those of you unfamiliar, WoWcrack is a widely-popular substance used by an estimated 10 million people world-wide. It has been around for quite some time. Records of its use go back as early as 2004, with the still-popular "Vanilla WoWcrack" variety. WoWcrack is often consumed socially. Groups of up to 40 people convene and use the drug together in what are known as "raiding parties". Over half of all Fifa players reported trying WoWcrack at some point in their careers (often for 1-6 month periods "just to see what it's like"), but an estimated 32.33 (repeating of course) percentage admit that they continue to use recreational WoWcrack during the Fifa regular season.
WoWcrack is not included on FIFA's banned substances list, so its use is quite legal, but even if there aren't consequences from the league, sometimes WoWcrack creates consequences in the locker room. Last Sunday on social media, TheSaint emptied out the sriracha bottle for this spicy-hot take:
"I got [into] fifa to play fifa not to watch [my career] collect dust upon my shelf - RIP fun times"
"I blame WoWcrack for derailing our ascention to the sky-courts of Norway"
-thesaint,12/10/17
Though he didn't name names, Saint was almost certainly referencing the behavior of the Flaccid Avenger captain Ace, perhaps the most well known local Fifa player with a WoWcrack habit. Although he later stated he was "decorating the house with [his] mom" that night, Ace has always been transparent about the fact that he schedules team matches and practices around his WoWcrack use. "I have a very clear and consistent schedule when I am scheduled to be on WoWcrack, and am free anytime before those hours." Ace replied when asked for comment. "I would also like to point out that my doctor prescribed me WoWcrack as a means to cope with the stress of another activity the FIFA team has been known to do, which is DOTA." Medicinal WoWcrack prescriptions, while not rare, are still a subject of disagreement in the medical community. Regardless, Ace firmly believes WoWcrack helps him be the best captain he can be, "...without it I would be worse, both on and off the pitch."
If the WoWcrack controversy is negatively effecting the team, you couldn't tell it by the scoreboard. The Avengers recovered from a rough start in most recent season to remain entrenched in D8, and have been playing at a level that should soon make them one of the top 500 teams based out of Eden Prarie. All this while Zaron9 finishes recovering from dysentery and top prospect Wonderwoman continues her battle with spontaneous narcolepsy. Overcoming adversity is the mark of champions, and if the Avengers can persevere through these distractions and continue improving, Flaccid Nation will emerge as strong as ever.
Brilliant as always
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