Week 1 - Recap

Hello sports fans/degenerate gamblers, and welcome to D'Jasper Probincrux's  coverage of the 2020 LaQuon Treadwell Memorial League. Some of you may remember me from my coverage of FIFA 2018's Flaccid Avengers, a team that really took the league by hostage before collapsing internally like the stars that they were. Following that assignment I left in search of the memeing of life, and after reading the Wikipedia page for 2020 so far, I believe I'm in the right place...

Each week until the league gets cancelled, I'll give a summary of the match-ups along with any other questionably relevant league news. The commish forwarded me an advance of $160 over Venmo, so expect that level of quality.

We'll start with the match-ups for this week

(1-0) The Minnesota Fantasy Team def. (0-1) 3 Pete

185.1 - 155.3

The squad formerly known as The Minnesota Fantasy Team posted this week's top score of 185.1 in a victory over returning, returning, returning champions 3 Pete. A textbook case of Fantasy blue balls, 3 Pete's score of 155.3 would have been a win in any other Week 1 match-up. MNFT benefited from riding the week's top WR1, RB1, and TE performances. Accepting Davante Adams' 41.6 points felt, "reminiscent to Judas' 30 silver pieces," said owner Evan Wilberg, but he insists he came to grips with Adams' necessary evil when he drafted him. 3 Pete did find a silver lining in the performance of Kansas City rookie RB Clyde Edwards-Helaire, who seems to set up for success as a the ground compliment to Patrick Mahomes' prolific passing attack. If his level of production continues, 3 Pete will likely boast the best RB combo in the league with Edwards-Helaire and Ezekiel Elliot.

(1-0) Too Many Cooks def. (0-1) When Does Hockey Start 

130.68 - 125.34

After expertly stocking their kitchen during the draft, Too Many Cooks served up a spicy meatball with a 130.68 to 125.34 victory over When Does Hockey Start. Only one of the three Cooks got the start, but between Dalvin and the Seattle duo of Chris Carson and Russell Wilson, it was enough. AI enthusiast Dan Bell had a very different drafting strategy, and very nearly pulled off the victory led by fourth overall pick Patrick Mahomes. In fact, WILD was inches away from a last second upset if A.J. Brown had hauled in his final target in the End Zone. When asked if he was disappointed, Bell was unavailable, citing disc golf obligations.

(1-0) Team Grimm def. (0-1) Outdated Sheets

104.94 - 98.18

Team Grimm was among the Week 1 winners, taking its match-up with Outdated Sheets. GRIM had to overcome a self-inflicted wound in the form of the Vikings defense/special teams, whose -9 points absorbed the contributions of the other two Vikings starters, K Dan Bailey and TE Irv Smith Jr. Luckily, Run CMC and Julio Jones provided anchor performances. Outdated Sheets was snakebit by a high ankle sprain to WR1 and seventh overall pick Michael Thomas. This finicky injury, combined with a strong bench performance by Jameson Crowder, presents SHTS owner Zach Paurus with some tough decisions for Week 2. For guidance, this reporter recommends flipping coins or casting chicken bones. 

(1-0) Knobby Packers def. (0-1) Respect The Specs
154.22 - 118.4

Knobby Packers put up an impressive 154.22 points en route to a victory over Respect The Specs (118.4). KNOB WR1 Adam Thielen led the way with a garbage-time feast, but the entire team contributed to the solid start. In contrast, GOGS suffered below-average performances by everyone not named Calvin Ridley and Lamar Jackson, and an uncharacteristically bad day from Nick Chubb.  GOGS is a better squad than Week 1 would have you believe. That said, it is my duty as a journalist to point out that GOGS K/Team Mascot Kenny Blankenship (50th overall) was out-performed by KNOB K Harrison Butker (117th overall), and almost tripled-up by FLEX Will Fuller V (53rd overall). Going into Monday night, RB1 Saquon Barkley could still deliver GOGS a victory with a mere 50-point performance. Co-owner Nathan Hart described his chances, "as good as Swift making the game winning catch in his rookie nfl game." 

WEEK 2 MATCH-UPS:

HOST*(1-0) vs. TMC (1-0)
3P (0-1) vs. WILD (0-1)
KNOB (1-0) vs. GRIM (1-0)
SHTS (0-1) vs. GOGS (0-1)

*formerly MNFT

League News

• The league payout format will be as it was in years past: 
• Champion gets $120 
• Runner-up gets $40 
• Everyone else will have to find redemption in DotA.
  
  
• If the league does not finish, your entry fee will be returned.
   
• If you haven't paid your $20 entry fee yet, please send it to the commish via Venmo: @EvanWilberg 

And finally:

• After struggling all off-season with re-branding and copyright issues, The Minnesota Fantasy Team has finally secured the rights to its new identity. Starting Week 2, the MNFT will now be known as team "Hostert With The Mostert". Reasons for the delay were largely due to negotiation breakdowns between ownership and Raheem Mostert's agent regarding compensation. Though the terms of the deal are officially classified, my sources say ownership ended up offering Mostert's camp between 48-52 cans of Chef Boyardee. In a press conference following the deal, owner Evan Wilberg addressed fans and shareholders, "As an organization, we are elated to have a found an identity that is both corny and dank enough to belong in a modern fantasy league. I want to assure our loyal fans, that this is still, in every way, a Minnesota organization. You can rest assured that we stay true to our local roots, and that every year we will fail to live up to our early expectations."

With that, Week 1 is in the books! See you next Tuesday, and good luck in Week 2!