Week 2 is in the books. No time for an intro, I’m far too excited. LE’TS GOOOOOOO!
When Does Hockey Start (2-0) def. 3-Pete (1-1)
130.98 - 123.06
THE KING HAS RETURNED
That’s right ladies and gentlemen, not only is he alive, but he’s got a 1.000 personal winning percentage in the league named after his tragic passing. King Laquon received just one target in his first start with Jacksonville, but hey we all know what Treadwell is capable of with one target, am I right???
In case you’re someone who reads these write-ups despite not being in the league (and I’m told there might actually be some of you), the commissioner has decided to spice things up this year with a little bounty: If a manager drafts Laquon Treadwell in the 11th round, keeps him rostered all year, and starts him in at least 3 games, they are rewarded with a crisp $11 bill. Sure enough, on draft night when Round 11 came ‘round, Dan Bell of the 2-0 WILD selected Treadwell, two slots ahead of teammate Trevor Lawrence. Step one complete. A strong Thursday Night showing by Scary Terry McLaurin gave Bell enough confidence to get one of his starts done early, and his bet sure did pay off. Step two, ⅓ done, with a 1-0 record.
Interestingly, with the pick right before Treadwell was taken, 3 Pete's Kevin Duong selected Courtland Sutton, who was waived after week 1 and now plays for CHUB. Oh what could have been. Mr. Duong has already publicly stated that he will not be reading the recap for this week, so I won't dwell too long on the details of his demise. Week 1’s gamebreaker Tyreek Hill was neutralized to under 6 points.
Outdated Sheets (2-0) def. Respect the Specks (1-1)
123.02 - 115.7
Outdated Sheets shows a second straight week of rising just above the level of competition in a victory over Respect the Specks. T.J. Hockenson delivered on Monday night, overperforming his projection by 9 points which proved to be the difference. The bitter pill that comes with this victory is that SHTS’s two-week free trial of Christian McCaffrey has come to an end, as it did with Team Grimm a year before. While CMC’s injury doesn’t appear to be as bad this time around, losing your 1st overall pick is seldom an experience that makes shit easier. SPEC got a well-balanced performance from their core, but were let down pretty hard by DeVonta Smith and George Kittle. Rodrigo Blankenship, despite his draft stock tumbling all the way to round 9, enjoyed a solid game as well.
Jared’s Curse (1-1) def. Knobby Packers (0-2)
158.2 - 157.2
Ladies and Gentlemen… WELCOME…TO… CURSEBOWL!!!!!!
Jared’s Curse and Alex’s curse had a fight and in the end, it was St. Peter’s curse that won(?) out, sending them to 0-2. What has happened to get Knobby Packers to 0-2 is frankly remarkable given how well the team has performed. This week, the circumstances included a shut down Alvin Kamara, Aaron Rodgers’ resurrection without heavy dependence on Davante Adams, and 5th quarter for Derrick Henry. Kudos to Jared for dodging the Clyde-Edwards Helaire bullet, allowing his starting RB’s to pick up the slack for his WRs. As for Knobby Packers, this is a good team, doing good things and performing well. The only recourse now for St. Peter may be just to not watch any games on Sundays and instead listen to “Wake me up when September Ends” on a loop.
Not Enough Cooks (1-1) def. Nick Chubb Will Remember This (0-2)
165.32 - 95.36
The only laugher among a week of tight matchups, Not Enough Cooks cruises to its first victory of the season, posting the week’s high score in the process. The official renaming from the outdated “Too Many Cooks” didn’t take place until after the matchup, but performance-wise this team played like a unit that had come to terms with what it now is. Mike Evans, Patrick Mahomes, and Dionte Johnson led the team on Sunday, with Aaron Jones posting 41 points worth of icing on the cake Monday night.
Nick Chubb Will Remember This, on the flip side, posts the week’s lowest score, not even able to break triple-digits this week. So far, the issue isn’t the player with the good memory, it’s pretty much everything else. Josh Allen, despite his team winning 35-0, barely broke 16 points himself, and is yet to have a game quite like last year’s QB1. Owner Evan Wilberg has started the wrong TE on his roster both games, likely about to be 3 as he attempts to cash in on Rob Gronkowski’s goofy renaissance. It’s still early, but like the Minnesota professional team, the yikes-factor is high all the same.
You guessed it. Knobby Packers may be 0-2 in the standings, but they are 2-0 in Oofs of the Week. Holy moley. The fantasy blue balls have progressed from a rich cerulean to a bold navy blue. KNOB’s combined margin of defeat is a whopping 1.3 points. They are the points-for leader so far in this young season at 319.76, which is 33 points in front of 2nd place SHTS. And yet, if the playoffs started today (which they don’t), all they’d have to show for it is a toilet bowl showdown with the lowly CHUB. Fun fact about that, by the way: KNOB’s bench has generated only 3 fewer points than CHUB’s starters. Just for that, I’m giving half an oof to CHUB too.
On the bright side, I hear owner Alex St. Peter is now homeowner Alex St. Peter. Congrats to him and his family. It’s a wonderful silver lining.
WEEK 3 MATCHUPS:
Not Enough Cooks (1-1) vs. When Does Hockey Start (2-0)
3 Pete (1-1) vs. Nick Chubb Will Remember This (0-2)
Knobby Packers (0-2) vs. Respect the Specks (1-1)
Outdated Sheets (2-0) vs. Jared’s Curse (1-1)
Best of luck in Week 3!
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