Interview with Flaccid Avengers team captain Ace

Recently I had the privilege of sitting down with Ace before the start of the fifth season to ask him some hot-n-spicy questions about our beloved franchise. Here's how the captain answered:

DP3: First of all, I just want to say you're looking great. You've really slimmed down over these last couple of seasons. To what do you credit your dramatic, medically improbable weight loss? 

(Obviously I would never ask you this directly, so... blink twice if it is 100% steroid injections)

Ace: Good afternoon D'Jasper, thank you for the compliments. To be frank, I am extremely displeased with my weight loss. The Fédération Internationale de Football Association put in these new bullshit rules about maximum height and weight rules in the league. Can you believe it?? Not only did I have to drop 30 pounds to be eligible to play, but I also had to shrink an inch! Do you know how hard it is to shrink an inch?? So yeah, I am extremely displeased with FIFA and their rules. In order to actually lose the weight, I hatched 10km eggs in pokemon go for players in exchange for cash. That was the best way I could think to motivate myself.

DP3: It's no secret that your first seasons as captain weren't filled with success. The Avengers failed to be promoted in their first two seasons, and last season topped out in division 9. How would you describe team morale for future seasons? Are you at all worried about assistant captain Zaron9 staging a coup? 

Ace: The avengers did have a brutal first few seasons, in terms of both W-L as well as goals for vs goals against. The good thing about this team is that we are extremely young. These lads bounce back almost instantly from a loss, forgetting it and playing their hearts out next match. We are hoping that with the addition of veteran Dan "Buttfumbler" Bell in the center mid position, as well as myself and Zaron returning to form, we can make strides up the ladder. As for Zaron staging a coup, I'm not very worried. I've heard rumors of his shot accuracy, he would have to hit me in order to even start a coup.

DP3: We heard rumors in the pre-season about teams asking if first overall pick Wonderwoman was on the trading block. One GM reportedly went as high as 2 FUT packs and a plate of chicken tenders for the rookie, but you declined. Can you sum up your faith in Wonderwoman as a prospect? What is the young player's ceiling?    

Ace: We did have a generous offer for Wonderwoman, and the packs were very tempting. We chose to decline because we have the utmost faith in her abilities. She has been overcoming the flu for the past three seasons (it just will NOT go away), so we think her performance will be spiking very soon. The sky is the limit for her, an extremely unselfish player with a balanced skillset.

DP3: You guys have seen some highs and lows so far this season. The highs including thesaint's solid debut and the lows being stealthpants' literal physical height. What would you say are the highs and lows of the Flaccid Avengers' fourth season?

Ace: Well the low is definitely one of our players being 5'5". We made the flaccidavengers in order to not be meta, and this is a disappointment. We also believe in allowing each player to be as creative as they want in order to maximize their fun, so there will be no reprimands for his height. The high for the season will be when we can get all six of our core players together this weekend for some games. I believe sparks will be flying and the offense will click!

Thanks to the captain for his time! Be sure to check back for more coverage from Season 5. Stay Flaccid!