Week 5 Recap: On Knees and the Health Thereof

December 17th, 2017. 10:38 left in the 4th quarter. The 10-3 Minnesota Vikings are completing an effortless, 34-7 dispatch of Marvin Lewis’ Cincinnati Bengals. The game was decided hours ago, and yet something has driven every fan left at U.S. Bank Stadium to their feet. To thunderous applause, Teddy Bridgewater is introduced as the replacement quarterback for the Minnesota Vikings. The last time he took meaningful snaps, he set up his kicker for a chip shot to win his first playoff game, and looked like maybe, just maybe, he might be the Viking’s long-awaited answer at quarterback. Sadly, neither of those came to be. You know the story. In the following training camp, on a non-contact play, Teddy crumples to the ground. His ACL completely tears, and his knee dislocates. Most accounts say the actions of the VIkings’ medical staff saved his leg, some say they saved his life. Although his comeback 15 months later is undoubtedly triumphant, his path was forever altered.

Nov. 18th, 2018. For 11 months, the leg-gods have been kept at bay by constant prayers and the sacrifice of Sam Bradford. Unfortunately for the 6-3 first place Washington Redskin Potatoes and their QB Alex Smith, there would be no mercy today. Smith is hit by two Texans in the backfield and does not get up. His tacklers obscure the play at first, but the replay shows a lower leg bending in a way that makes one’s hair stand on-edge. It is a spiraling compound fracture, from his ankle to his knee. He is rushed to the hospital, and operated upon that night. All seems stable until Smith starts running a fever over the next couple of days. They discover that Smith’s injury has contracted a rare infection, the type usually found from brackish waters or WW1 trenches. It wipes out his right leg to the point that he needs to transfer muscle from his left leg to have a chance at restoring it. But… it works. Smith fights and he rehabs, and over the next year and a half, he works his way back. Not only is he alive, not only is he walking, but he is a quarterback for a professional football team.

October 11th, 2020. 1:53 left in the 2nd quarter. Washington Football Team starter Kyle Allen has been removed from the game after a helmet-to-helmet collision. Sophomore QB Dwayne Haskins has been demoted and is not even in the stadium due to a stomach virus. In these circumstances, with the backdrop of a pandemic, Alex Smith takes the field. Instead of the Bridgewater-sized ovation he deserves, there is only a fraction of FedEx field filled to welcome him back. Yet among the diminished crowd, there are the 4 that count the most. Smith’s wife and 3 children cheer wildly as they witness him complete his journey back. Smith is unable to rally the mostly hapless Football Team to a victory but nobody gives a shit. It’s the type of uplifting moment that represents sports at its best. Smith instantly becomes the Vegas favorite to win Comeback Player of the Year, and if he doesn’t get it the NFL should be yeeted into the sun. Smith’s return would uplift the jaded spirits of sports fans and get us all wondering if we really could have nice things. Right up until...   

The leg-gods prove themselves to be cruel, vindictive assholes.  Dak Prescott, in the midst of a record-pace, contract year, sees an opening in the Giant’s D-line and tucks the ball in for a rush. 9 yards later, he’s brought down by Rashad Jennings on what looks like a regular tackle… until Jennings starts pointing, first at Prescott’s ankle and then at the sidelines. Then Prescott himself signals the sidelines with one hand while the other supports his leg. Next the referee, pointing and blowing the clock dead at what was a shockingly apparent injury. Dak’s ankle wrappings spared us the sight of bone breaking skin, but there is absolutely no mistaking the severity of what took place. Dak is in tears as he was carted off the field, which I thought was incredible, since if that were me I’d 100% be passed the fuck out. Through his hard work and efforts, Dak had set himself up to cash in on a high-risk, specialized career. Now, like Teddy and Alex before him, he faces a long and uncertain road that will forever be different from what he intended. It’s the circle of gruesome injuries in the NFL.

I hope Dak gets to taste the triumph of his immediate predecessors. Teddy has returned to a starting role, making the most out of his tools in Carolina, while Smith’s career history doesn’t leave him anything left to prove. Dak’s timeline for recovery appears faster, but it can’t be taken for granted. Like it or not, he has found himself in the midst of this cycle.

So what, you may ask as one of seven readers of a fantasy football blog, is the point of all that? Well, my takeaway is that maybe the next time I feel like swearing in front of my nieces on Sunday because my flex pick drops a target in the end-zone, potentially costing me 1/15 of my season culminating in a $20 wager, I can, instead, chill the fuck out and count my blessings.

TL;DR: BLESS ALL THE KNEES (AND ANKLES) AND KEEP THEM HEALTHY

Enough about kneecaps, let’s get to recaps.

WEEK 5 RECAPS

Knobby Packers (4-1) def. When Does Hockey Start (2-3)

149.26 - 140.5

A combination of solid wide receiver play and strategic jinxing on discord delivers Knobby Packers their fourth win out of five games. Adam Theilen gobbled up all the points that many thought he’d be splitting with Justin Jefferson and QB Deshaun Watson came off the bench and took care of business. This was a clutch win for KNOB as their top performing Aarons were both on their bye this week. When does Hockey Start made it interesting in what was by far the closest margin this week. As Knobby Packers owner Alex St. Peter pointed out, WILD were on pace for the highest score of the week during the early games, “Yeah, errbody go off against me when they play me.” It turned out to be a perfectly executed jinx. Tyler Lockett had a quiet game by his standards, and the Chiefs D/ST had an awful game by all standards. That was enough to be the difference. WILD’s momentum is cooled after winning two straight, but not by much. Since returning from the Pro Disc Golf Tour in Week 3, WILD are averaging almost 140 points a week and are currently 3rd in Points For on the year. Plus I heard owner Dan Bell won a pink basket or some shit. Still a good week for him.

Too Many Cooks (4-1) def. Outdated Sheets (2-3)

154.38 - 105.22

Just when you thought those sheets were updated… 

Too Many Cooks wins by nearly 50 points over Outdated Sheets. TMC’s starters delivered yet another consistently good team effort, highlighted by Mike Davis and Russell Wilson. They remain on top of their division and are tied with Knobby Packers for the league’s best record. Owner Aaron Preese does face a bit of a test up ahead, losing Dalvin Cook most likely for the next two weeks due to injury and bye. Perhaps it’s another Cook’s time to shine, as Brandin Cooks just put up 30 from the bench. There’s plenty of ammunition in the kitchen.

As for Outdated Sheets, we’ll cover them… later.

 

Hostert With The Mostert (2-3) def. Respect the Specks (1-4)

125.3 - 85.2 

Hostert With The Mostert gets off the schnide and celebrates the return of their namesake with a mostly comfortable win. The matchup was a toss-up after the early games. Respect the Specs did what Dan Quinn could not and got the most out of their Falcons players, enough to mitigate an early injury to Dionte Johnson. For the afternoon games, much rested on the health of Raheem Mostert, who was a gametime decision. Luckily for HOST, he did suit up. Not only did Mostert produce respectable numbers, he hoovered the touches from Jerrick McKinnon, who GOGS started off the waiver wire. This, combined with a tepid Lamar Jackson and invisible Justin Jefferson, put the game away on Sunday for HOST. With Mostert and Davante Adams back in the fold, HOST looks to regain some lost ground in Week 6.

GOGS tumbles to the bottom of the league as the only 1-4 team. Unfortunate as that is, co-owners Nathan and Katie Hart can take solace in the fact that that’s one more win than Quinn will have this year.

3 Pete (2-3) def. Team Grimm (3-2)

167.14 - 68.44

We’ve had a few well documented matchups between the top two scoring teams, but this week, for the first time in our young season, we have the week’s top score matched up with the week’s lowest. 3 Pete took an awful lot of frustration out on Team Grimm en route to their second win. Elliot, Hopkins, Metcalf, and Bal D/ST all went off for 20+ points, and Minshew very nearly joined them. 3P very nearly hammered down a 100 point margin of victory, but landed just 1 point short because Stephen Gostkowski had first-world kicker problems, going 6/6 on XP’s.

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It appears that Team Grimm might be cursed. Just in time for spooky season, GRIM boasts the most talented graveyard in the league. Christian McCaffrey (1st round), Austin Ekeler (2nd round), Julio Jones (3rd round), and now Dak Prescott (9th round) have all missed or will miss significant time this season. Prescott had been a stalwart of GRIM’s squad this season, and until he can get some of his playmakers back, owner Jared Grimm will be forced to build his roster out of James Robinson and scotch tape. At first, I had this paragraph as ‘Oof of the Week’ until I realized I would literally be adding insult to injury. All that in mind, it’s rather impressive that with this roflstomping behind them, GRIM is still above .500. They’ll be forced to hold fast against a formidable Too Many Cooks squad next week.

So about those SHTS. You may have noticed a 0.0 in their active lineup, from stud WR Michael Thomas no less. 0.0 from Thomas hasn’t been unusual this year because he has been out with an injury since week 1, but this week he was scheduled to be back. So, during the week owner Zach Pauras returns his first round pick to his rightful place in the roster. All is well until late afternoon on Sunday when Thomas is suddenly ruled out, not for an injury but for allegedly being a big doo-doo head to a teammate. At the time, Pauras was driving through Wisconsin (first mistake), blissfully unaware that his sheets were indeed outdated. By the time he noticed the change, all of his benched receivers had been locked in. His only option at this point is to go pick up a Monday or Tuesday night player from Free Agency. But there’s a problem...

Meet Le’Veon Bell. Like Thomas, he was injured in week 1 and expected to return week 5, but unlike Thomas, he was given an IR slot by both the Jets and the SHTS. Also unlike Thomas, Bell wasn’t expected to be a top-tier talent this year, so it would make sense if Pauras wasn’t closely monitoring his recovery. Saturday afternoon, right about the time most people have lives, Bell is activated from the Jets injured reserve, making him now ineligible for the SHTS IR slot. The way fantasy football punishes this is prohibiting any moves until the uninjured player is moved from IR. So at Noon on Sunday, when Paurus was whipping by cheese castles on 94 and Bell was locked in for the Jets, outdated those sheets would stay. SHTS went on to lose by 49 and would be outscored by their own bench. “I understand how it works, it doesn’t mean I am happy about it.” said Paurus of the kerfuffle. It should be noted that, at time of posting, Bell has been cut by the Jets but is still sitting comfortably in the SHTS IR.

Now, all that said, how important was that mix-up? Was Pauras really going to find someone from a limited Free Agency pool to make an actual difference in that game? No, almost certainly not. And that’s what makes this final detail the true Oof in my mind: After missing out on replacing Thomas Monday night and down by almost 90, Paurus had an opportunity to bench his two remaining starters and end the week with 69 points. He did not. Instead Derrick Henry and Josh Allen played and they were fine. Just fine. He finished with 105 points on the week, which is fine. Not great. Just fine. The question I have for Paurus is: Why be ‘fine’ when you could have been ‘nice’? 

That’s enough for the Oof of the Week.

WEEK 6 MATCHUPS

Knobby Packers (4-1) vs. Hostert with the Mostert (2-3)

Team Grimm (3-2) vs. Too Many Cooks (4-1)

Outdated Sheets (2-3) vs. When Does Hockey Start (2-3)

Respect the Specs (1-4) vs. 3 Pete (2-3)

No league news this week. Take care y’all. Kiss your moms, kiss your knees. Kiss your mom’s knees. Do what you gotta do and good luck in Week 6!

Week 4 Recap - Stonks and PPD's

As the NFL deals with its first COVID positives, the managers of the LQML were forced into action, dealing with game delays and surprise Peter Dagers. Some guarded against the future uncertainty with sound personal finance advice, others settled with savvy pickups on the waiver wire. Let’s see which team’s stonks are on the rise coming off of Week 4. WEEK 4 RECAP:

Knobby Packers (3-1) def. Too Many Cooks (3-1)

190.18 - 158.8

    For the second week in a row, Alex St. Peter’s Knobby Packers were engaged in an absolute slugfest with their opponents. Last week it ended in disappointment and bitter oof-dom. This week, however, the result was sweet, sweet victory. KNOB put up the week’s top score and handed Too Many Cooks their first loss of the year. Despite the final margin of 30 points, it was far from an anxiety-free victory for St. Peter. “Currently projected to have the 2nd highest score this week and lose. Again.” St. Peter said after the afternoon games, clearly feeling the effects of  PTOOTWD (Post-Traumatic Oof of the Week Disorder). Luckily for St. Peter, George Kittle heard his lamentations and responded with a 40 point effort Sunday night, setting Aaron Rodgers and Aaron Jones up for a 20 point layup on Monday to seal the victory.
    
    It would not be a surprise if this matchup turned out to be a preview of the championship. KNOB has the look of a powerhouse in the league this year. Not only did their starters almost break 200 points, but their bench had all but two players score in the double-digits. Meanwhile, Too Many Cooks was the only undefeated team heading into this week, and it took George Kittle coming out as God to end that. When you can have Odell Beckham Jr. hanging 38 points on your bench and still come out with the 2nd best score of the week, you’re in a good place. Most crucially, the stars for both teams have remained healthy (knock on wood for Chris Carson). If that remains true, so will their status as frontrunners.

    P.S. This marks the third time in four weeks, the top two scores of the week happened to be matched up. I’ll stop bringing it up when it stops being interesting.

Team Grimm (3-1) def. Hostert with the Mostert (1-3)

120.78 - 110.32

    Team Grimm joins the above teams in the 3-win club, as they knab a victory over Hostert with the Mostert. GRIM overcame an early injury to Austin Ekeler, their 2nd injury to a key RB in recent weeks. This injury, and great performances by Mark Andrews and Terry McLaurin, gave HOST an early advantage. The tides changed when Dak Prescott tried to will his NFL team, the Dallas McCarthies, to victory. He put up 500+ yards and 4 TD’s, bringing himself and top WR Amari Cooper to over 70 combined fantasy points. While it wasn’t enough to save the McCarthies, it would do it for Team Grimm.

After riding high with the top score in Week 1, HOST has gone on a 3 game skid. There is a potential for a bounceback with the return of key starters like Davante Adams and the all-important-yet-boyardee-bloated Raheem Mostert, but will it be enough to salvage the new brand? Initial reports have revealed that team merchandise, such as face masks bearing “HOST” on them, haven’t been selling.

Outdated Sheets (2-2) def. 3 Pete (1-3)

140.72 - 98.64

Outdated Sheets followed up their first victory last week with another refreshing performance. “Joe ‘Jesus Christ’ Mixon apparently decided to play this week.” said SHTS owner Zach Pauras. And play he did, posting the week’s top performance at 42.1. This score made up for Derrell Henderson Jr.’s underwhelming showing, but beyond that SHTS had good performances by most starters.

3 Pete had a frustrating week by all accounts. They saw almost every 2nd string player on the bench hit this week. The 5 player bench put up 90.8 points vs. 98.64 from the starters. The thing is, there are few substitutions that would have made up the difference by virtue of the fact that an opposing RB put up a score that starts with 4 and isn’t followed by a decimal. Both teams were also hit pretty heavily by the COVID Peter Dagers. 3P lost two typical starters in James Connor and Juju Smith-Schuster (to be faiiiiiiiiiiiir, SHTS lost RB1 Derrick Henry). Tom Brady also posted 30+ point week, easily outpacing Gardner Minshew for both weeks he’s been replaced, and… well... “!pain” said owner Kevin Duong, clarifying later with ,”!fork”. 

When Does Hockey Start (2-2) def. Respect the Specks (1-3)

112.84 - 95.52

     When Does Hockey Start won their second straight match, led by a bounceback performance from Melvin Gordon. This matchup featured a showdown between Cleveland’s two very productive RB’s in Nick Chubb and Kareem Hunt, but that contest was cut short after Chubb’s early injury. Chubb looks to be out for about 6 weeks, a damaging blow to a roster that could really use some consistency from week-to-week. Fortunately for GOGS, they did gain what could be a major asset last week when they won the Justin Jefferson Waiver Wire Sweepstakes. Jefferson was the lone bright spot for the GOGS receiver corps and looks to be the type of first round receiver we won’t have to memorialize with a Fantasy League 5 years from now. Finally a little credit where it’s due, Rodrigo Blankenship has put forth a great start to his rookie campaign and is currently the 2nd best kicker in the league. GOGS’ namesake was the top scorer from the Colts last week, and one could argue he’s the most reliable performer besides Lamar Jackson for his fantasy team.

Now it's time for your weekly dose of schadenfreude with...

As covered above, Dak Prescott went bananas in a valiant attempt to give his team a shot at victory. 500 yards and 4TD’s is an awful lot of real-estate to distribute over one’s receiving corps. Amari Cooper earned the lion’s share en route to a 33-point showing, but after subtracting that you still have 368 yards and 3 TD’s to go around. CeeDee Lamb lit up the Knobby Packer’s bench with 25 points. Even Zeke got 17 of his points from the passing game. Surely, anyone who started a Dallas WR cashed in on Sunday, right? Well… anyone besides Hostert with the Mostert, whose owner Evan Wilberg started Michael Gallup in place of the injured Chris Godwin. On a day when Dak provided 500 yards, Gallup took exactly 29 of them on 2 receptions. He was outdone on the receiving game by all four other DAL WR’s, their TE, and their RB. With HOST losing to GRIM by 10 points, all it would have taken was a two or three catches to go Gallup’s way instead of Coopers for a different result. Alas, Gallup could not find his way out of Cooper’s shadow (or Lamb’s or Zeke’s or…*checks notes* Dalton Schultz’s), and HOST takes their 3rd straight L. That’s enough for the Oof of the Week.

WEEK 5 MATCHUPS:

Hostert with the Mostert (1-3) vs. Respect the Specks (1-3)

3 Pete (1-3) vs. Team Grimm (3-1)

Too Many Cooks (3-1) vs. Outdated Sheets (2-2)

When Does Hockey Start (2-2) vs. Knobby Packers (3-1)

League News: -Thank you to all league members for getting your entry fees in. -When (or if) we reach the halfway point of the NFL season, I may propose some contingency plans for payouts. An example would be if NFL season were cancelled during the first round of Fantasy playoffs, the entry fees could be split evenly among all teams in the Winner’s Bracket. -I will go into more details after the halfway point is reached. Payout changes will be made only with unanimous approval by all league owners.

Best of luck in Week 5! 

Week 3 Recap - Updated Sheets

Week 3 saw a leveling of the playing field, as the two teams who had yet to grasp victory absolutely

seized it. And amidst a sea of 1-2’s and 2-1’s a single 3-0 team has emerged.

Let’s break down Week 3 in the LaQuon Treadwell Memorial Leauge.  WEEK 3 RECAP:

Outdated Sheets (1-2) def. Knobby Packers (2-1)

188.14 - 168.02

Outdated Sheets broke out of their rut in grand fashion, posting the high score of the week and the young season. They would need nearly all of it to win their first game over the Knobby Packers. The schedule gods have been cruel so far this year: For the second time in three weeks, the top two scores happened to be matched up against each other. 

KNOB brought the week’s top performance at RB with Alvin Kamara (44.7) and D/ST with Indianapolis (27:pogchamp), but it was not enough to defeat a complete team effort by SHTS. 5 of the 7 skill players on SHTS posted at least 20 points, with Josh Allen (31.2) leading the charge on his dick-dropping tour. When asked what he did to inspire his team, owner Zach Pauras said, “I didn’t want to start the season like the vikings so I told the team if we won this week everyone was getting Dilly Bars from DQ.”

Team Grimm (2-1) def. Respect the Specs (1-2) 

136.78 - 107.18

Team Grimm improves to 2-1 on the backs of two 30+ point RB performances. This, despite the injury bug continuing to nag, as GRIM TE Dallas Geoddart had a 1st Quarter exit. For GOGS, it was a subdued performance as last week’s fantasy hydra, JuTyvin Riddlebee, could not repeat the magic of Week 2, and FLEX Dionte Johnson was lost early to a concussion. Newly freed RB Nick Chubb ended up posting the high water mark for the team at 24 points. Perhaps last week’s benching was merely a motivational tactic. 

When Does Hockey Start (1-2) def. Hostert with the Mostert (1-2)

166.3 - 118.9

Owner Dan Bell returns from the Pro Disc-Golf Tour to lead WILD to their first victory in a near-50 point spanking of Hostert with the Mostert. Sources say owner Evan Wilberg spent an inordinate amount of his Saturday sweating his FLEX selection, and despite a team-leading performance by Michael Gallup, it proved completely meaningless. Tyler Lockett dominated with 3TD’s and 100 Yards, and Patrick Mahomes did as Patrick Mahomes does, spearheading WILD’s impressive week. Bell’s return coincided with the return of WR Kenny Golladay, which would cause a lesser reporter to speculate that last week’s injury may have really been frisbee-related.

Too Many Cooks (3-0) def. 3 Pete (1-2)

150.8 - 120.9

While there are no more winless teams in the LaQuon Treadwell Memorial League, there is only one lossless one. Too Many Cooks improves to 3-0 and takes sole possession of first place in the league (yessss, let the jinx flow through you…). FLEX pick Keenan Allen showed up hard with a 30 point day. Russell Wilson also put up great numbers, solidifying his standing as the top QB in the LTML. On the flip-side, 3 Pete attempted to find a spark at QB by replacing Tom Brady with Gardner Minshew. Unfortunately, Minshew’s play could not match the superiority of his facial hair. The 27.6 spread between Minshew and Wilson was very nearly the entire difference in the week’s matchup. Regardless, I am a fan 3 Pete’s acquisition. Minshew is a tragically overlooked figure, and if you don’t believe me you should look up his post-game interview last week where he revealed he was not included in the team’s TD cellies.

With the recaps in the books, it's time for...

Sometimes we don’t choose the Oofs, but rather the Oofs choose us. Such is the case this week as it goes to the Knobby Packers for out-scoring every team in the league… except the one that they were facing. This is the 2nd time in 3 weeks a team has been screwed by the schedule gods. This seemed highly unlikely, so I hired an analytics firm to calculate the exact odds of this taking place. They told me this kind of thing occurs only 4.2069% of the time. We are truly blessed.  

WEEK 4 MATCHUPS:

Team Grimm (2-1) vs. Hostert with the Mostert (1-2)

Outdated Sheets (1-2) vs. 3 Pete (1-2)

Knobby Packers (2-1) vs. Too Many Cooks (3-0)

Respect the Specs (1-2) vs. When Does Hockey Start (1-2)

League News:

One more reminder that if you haven’t yet paid your $20 entry fee, please send it via Venmo: @EvanWilberg. We’ve got almost everyone. ***In light of the recent positive COVID-19 tests for Tennessee, I wanted to remind everyone that entry fees will be returned if the season is called off early.

Best of luck to all teams this week. The commish wanted me to mention that he will be taking any action on the MLB postseason. Unless the Twins are swept in the first round, in which case he’s gonna need some time.

Week 2 Recap - Everybody Hurts

A rash of big name injuries casts a pall on an otherwise entertaining Week 2 in the LTML. It is a dangerous world out there: If the ‘Rona don’t get you, the 250-pound hyper-athlete flying at your legs probably will. Despite this, there is still cause for celebration this week as I introduce a brand-new segment. BUT FIRST! The results from Week 2:  

WEEK 2 RECAP:

(1-1) 3 Pete def. (0-2) When Does Hockey Start

140.98 - 137.78

    3P nips its first win of the year in a closer-than-anticipated matchup over WILD. Owner Kevin Duong received solid contributions across the board from everyone not named Tom Brady. The same could be said for the WILD roster, great showings all around except for Kenny Golladay, which is pretty understandable since he was out with a hamstring injury just like week 1.

    As you may have noticed from the score above, any warm body off the bench to replace Golladay would have resulted in a WILD victory. Hell, if they had claimed and started Bisi Johnson, it would have been enough to put them over the edge for their first victory. I very nearly thought about making this lapse the ‘Oof of the Week’, except for one thing: Owner Dan Bell has already made it well known how hands-off his ownership style is. In an early meeting regarding the draft, Bell told the commissioner, “I have a life and don’t care about fantasy like most people,” and advised the league to “enjoy roflstomping me all season.” So far, rival owners are playing right into his hand.

(2-0) Too Many Cooks def. (1-1) Hostert with the Mostert

170.42 - 140.84

    In real football, many have rejoiced about the Seahawks finally letting Russell Wilson cook with his offense. That means, in the Laquon Treadwell Memorial League, he’s exactly where he ought to be. Wilson’s 5 TD performance led Too Many Cooks to the highest score of the week and a victory over freshly re-branded Hostert with the Mostert. TMC shined in prime-time, scoring almost half their points during the Sunday and Monday night games. HOST QB Kyler Murray’s performance was nearly as prolific as Wilson’s, but mid-game injuries to Davante Adams and Raheem Mostert deflated their overall production. All things considered, HOST got off easy with the injury bug this week. Adams is day-to-day with hamstring issues and Mostert is likely to miss one week with stomach cramps related to rapid pasta intake (and an MCL sprain).

(1-1) Respect the Specs def. (0-2) Outdated Sheets

132.86 - 112.28

    It was a wild ride of a week for Respect the Specs. Many of the finer details we will cover in our new segment, but at the end of the day, they got it done and secured their first win. Calvin Ridley had another monster game, combining with Julian Edelman and Tyler Higbee to create a bizarre hydra of fantasy magic. That’s the last good news for GOGS. Ready for the half-good news? Their K/Mascot Kenny Blankenship played well enough to outscore every RB in the matchup. That’s the last half-good news. Ready for the suck? You probably already know. Saquon Barkley is done for the year. As is Nick Bosa, key player in the SF Defense. Also, the Falcons lost in a way that can cruelly be described as vintage. Don’t get me wrong, they won the week and all, but in the words of co-owner Katie Hart, “!fuck.”

    As for Outdated Sheets, it was Josh Allen followed with death-by-a-thousand-mehs. Owner Zach Pauras did nothing wrong. Leonard Fournette may have lit up the bench, but few in an 8-team league would’ve started him. Plus, he started losing star players to injuries last week, before it was cool. An 0-2 start has Pauras preaching “doom and gloom for the Outdated Sheets,” but there’s more hope for his team than other 0-2 ones in Minnesota. On a final note, for all my gushing about Wilson and Murray, Josh Allen beat them with a cool 34.48. Is that sustainable? Hell if I know, I just write meme blogs.

(2-0) Knobby Packers def. (1-1) Team Grimm

159.7 - 145.8

    This was the matchup of the week, folks. It was a back and forth affair with star performances, comebacks, and counter-comebacks. KNOB got off to a blazing start on the back of Aaron Jones’ mammoth 45.6 point performance. Then, just as he did in IRL football, Dak Prescott dragged his team back into it, giving GRIM a 27.5 lead after Sunday’s games concluded. KNOB had Alvin Kamara and the Saints D/ST yet to play on Monday, and the projections had it coming down to a 0.3 difference. Kamara got off to a hot start and looked to put KNOB over the top early, but then the Saints D buckled. They started hemorrhaging points and gave GRIM back the lead with as little as 4:45 left to go in the 4th. A Saints 3-and-out could have sealed it for Team Grimm, but alas the stars did what stars do. Brees and Kamara connected often against the Vegas prevent D, and put the game firmly in the hands of Knobby Packers with a final score that is not indicative of how close the matchup was. KNOB improves to 2-0, and is not somebody you will want to face until at least one of his RB’s chills the fuck out.

    GRIM did well to shed themselves of most of their Vikings pieces from Week 1, but now face other news that is even grimmer: Christian McCaffrey, the 1st overall pick by anyone who isn’t memeing, will be out 4-6 weeks with the dreaded high ankle sprain. Cortland Sutton was also thrown onto the funeral pyre with tears in all of his CL’s. “2020 was a mistake.” said owner Jared Grimm. 

Speaking of mistakes, it’s time for a brand new segment that I call…

    One of the Fantasy Football proverbs, known by nerds with enough spare time to listen to Fantasy Football podcasts, is that the key for Week 2 is not overreacting to Week 1. If that’s the case, it’s safe to say GOGS co-owner Nathan Hart is, in fact, not a nerd.

    Following an admittedly poor Week 1 performance against one of the league’s best defenses, Hart decided to bench RB Nick Chubb in favor of *checks notes*... Nyheim Hines. Chubb, former Bulldog and last year’s runner-up to the rushing title, proceeded to eviscerate the Bengals to the tune of 124 yards and 2 TD’s. Hines, who began the year as third on the Colts RB depth chart, caught one pass for 4 yards against the Minnesota “New Bengals” Vikings. Hines’ performance, coupled with the injury to Barkley, gave GOGS a grand total of 4.2 points from their Week 2 Running Backs. That’s enough for the Oof of the week.

    Now, TO BE FAIR, I did have some hesitation about selecting this as our inaugural Oof of the Week. Hart has already publicly acknowledged this oof (“I made bad choices”), and in the end he still won the damn game. You could speculate, as I did earlier, that WILD’s owner Dan Bell is more deserving for starting an injured player and losing by 3, but if an oof falls in the middle of a meme blog, and the oof-er isn’t around to read it, is it still an oof?

WEEK 3 MATCHUPS:

(1-1) HOST vs. (0-2) WILD

(1-1) 3P vs. (2-0) TMC

(1-1) GRIM vs. (1-1) GOGS

(0-2) SHTS vs (2-0) KNOB

League News

Nothing new League-wise. Best of luck in Week 3, and remember to bless all the knees and keep them healthy.

Week 1 - Recap

Hello sports fans/degenerate gamblers, and welcome to D'Jasper Probincrux's  coverage of the 2020 LaQuon Treadwell Memorial League. Some of you may remember me from my coverage of FIFA 2018's Flaccid Avengers, a team that really took the league by hostage before collapsing internally like the stars that they were. Following that assignment I left in search of the memeing of life, and after reading the Wikipedia page for 2020 so far, I believe I'm in the right place...

Each week until the league gets cancelled, I'll give a summary of the match-ups along with any other questionably relevant league news. The commish forwarded me an advance of $160 over Venmo, so expect that level of quality.

We'll start with the match-ups for this week

(1-0) The Minnesota Fantasy Team def. (0-1) 3 Pete

185.1 - 155.3

The squad formerly known as The Minnesota Fantasy Team posted this week's top score of 185.1 in a victory over returning, returning, returning champions 3 Pete. A textbook case of Fantasy blue balls, 3 Pete's score of 155.3 would have been a win in any other Week 1 match-up. MNFT benefited from riding the week's top WR1, RB1, and TE performances. Accepting Davante Adams' 41.6 points felt, "reminiscent to Judas' 30 silver pieces," said owner Evan Wilberg, but he insists he came to grips with Adams' necessary evil when he drafted him. 3 Pete did find a silver lining in the performance of Kansas City rookie RB Clyde Edwards-Helaire, who seems to set up for success as a the ground compliment to Patrick Mahomes' prolific passing attack. If his level of production continues, 3 Pete will likely boast the best RB combo in the league with Edwards-Helaire and Ezekiel Elliot.

(1-0) Too Many Cooks def. (0-1) When Does Hockey Start 

130.68 - 125.34

After expertly stocking their kitchen during the draft, Too Many Cooks served up a spicy meatball with a 130.68 to 125.34 victory over When Does Hockey Start. Only one of the three Cooks got the start, but between Dalvin and the Seattle duo of Chris Carson and Russell Wilson, it was enough. AI enthusiast Dan Bell had a very different drafting strategy, and very nearly pulled off the victory led by fourth overall pick Patrick Mahomes. In fact, WILD was inches away from a last second upset if A.J. Brown had hauled in his final target in the End Zone. When asked if he was disappointed, Bell was unavailable, citing disc golf obligations.

(1-0) Team Grimm def. (0-1) Outdated Sheets

104.94 - 98.18

Team Grimm was among the Week 1 winners, taking its match-up with Outdated Sheets. GRIM had to overcome a self-inflicted wound in the form of the Vikings defense/special teams, whose -9 points absorbed the contributions of the other two Vikings starters, K Dan Bailey and TE Irv Smith Jr. Luckily, Run CMC and Julio Jones provided anchor performances. Outdated Sheets was snakebit by a high ankle sprain to WR1 and seventh overall pick Michael Thomas. This finicky injury, combined with a strong bench performance by Jameson Crowder, presents SHTS owner Zach Paurus with some tough decisions for Week 2. For guidance, this reporter recommends flipping coins or casting chicken bones. 

(1-0) Knobby Packers def. (0-1) Respect The Specs
154.22 - 118.4

Knobby Packers put up an impressive 154.22 points en route to a victory over Respect The Specs (118.4). KNOB WR1 Adam Thielen led the way with a garbage-time feast, but the entire team contributed to the solid start. In contrast, GOGS suffered below-average performances by everyone not named Calvin Ridley and Lamar Jackson, and an uncharacteristically bad day from Nick Chubb.  GOGS is a better squad than Week 1 would have you believe. That said, it is my duty as a journalist to point out that GOGS K/Team Mascot Kenny Blankenship (50th overall) was out-performed by KNOB K Harrison Butker (117th overall), and almost tripled-up by FLEX Will Fuller V (53rd overall). Going into Monday night, RB1 Saquon Barkley could still deliver GOGS a victory with a mere 50-point performance. Co-owner Nathan Hart described his chances, "as good as Swift making the game winning catch in his rookie nfl game." 

WEEK 2 MATCH-UPS:

HOST*(1-0) vs. TMC (1-0)
3P (0-1) vs. WILD (0-1)
KNOB (1-0) vs. GRIM (1-0)
SHTS (0-1) vs. GOGS (0-1)

*formerly MNFT

League News

• The league payout format will be as it was in years past: 
• Champion gets $120 
• Runner-up gets $40 
• Everyone else will have to find redemption in DotA.
  
  
• If the league does not finish, your entry fee will be returned.
   
• If you haven't paid your $20 entry fee yet, please send it to the commish via Venmo: @EvanWilberg 

And finally:

• After struggling all off-season with re-branding and copyright issues, The Minnesota Fantasy Team has finally secured the rights to its new identity. Starting Week 2, the MNFT will now be known as team "Hostert With The Mostert". Reasons for the delay were largely due to negotiation breakdowns between ownership and Raheem Mostert's agent regarding compensation. Though the terms of the deal are officially classified, my sources say ownership ended up offering Mostert's camp between 48-52 cans of Chef Boyardee. In a press conference following the deal, owner Evan Wilberg addressed fans and shareholders, "As an organization, we are elated to have a found an identity that is both corny and dank enough to belong in a modern fantasy league. I want to assure our loyal fans, that this is still, in every way, a Minnesota organization. You can rest assured that we stay true to our local roots, and that every year we will fail to live up to our early expectations."

With that, Week 1 is in the books! See you next Tuesday, and good luck in Week 2!