"FIFA RIP"

Wrap it up folks, after a tense fourteen weeks of on-again-off-again talks, the negotiations between the Flaccid Avengers and the Fédération Internationale de Football Association have been declared officially dead. 

An EA/FIFA spokeman spoke to a crowd of dozens at a press conference Tuesday,

"We announce that effective immediately the team known as the 'Flaccid Avengers' are banned from participation in FIFA leagues. Moreover, we encourage anyone with information on the whereabouts of rouge forward Stealthpants to come forth as he is still wanted for several knee and leg injuries to our officials."

When asked if they were concerned that the Avengers' departure would hurt the sport he replied, "Of course not. We still have their money."

The Avengers leave behind a small yet dedicated fan base who populated Flaccid Nation through highs, such as the team's ascension to D7, and lows, like a 400 minute scoring drought.

"Am I sad? Absolutely." said an anonymous fan on Twitch. "We all saw their promise, but at the end of the day it's extremely difficult to keep superstars of such caliber together."

Indeed, the writing seemed to be on the wall for those following the team in 2018. In addition to the Stealthpants serial slide-tackle incident mentioned above, confusion over Ace's well documented WoWcrack hobby caused friendly flaming among the Avengers' own ranks. TheSaint's playing visa expired in early February which he chose not to renew because "fifa rip". In perhaps the final nail in the coffin, top prospect Wonderwoman was spotted in Georgia last month, presumably eyeing a transition to the MLS' Atlanta United. 

Though the team has disbanded, this is not the end for the player's careers in the public eye. They remain in regular contact with each other and engage in the occasional round of impeccable and mistake-free Dota. Former team captain Ace has already landed on his feet. He has augmented his WoWcrack schedule with a successful IRL cooking show, pulling in more views in one session preparing tacos than all of the Flaccid Avengers games combined. I managed to catch up to him on a break in his intense schedule and asked him to sum up the Flaccid Avengers' legacy:

"In the end, it all reminds me of a Greek tragedy, you know? Dickarus. That's us. We got flaccid too close to the toaster."

As fitting an epitaph as there could be. Flaccid then. Flaccid now. Flaccid Forever.

As for this reporter, I find myself at a crossroads. Even though my career as a FIFA reporter is over, I find myself unable to return to the life I left behind. There comes a time in every man's life when he discovers his purpose, and once he does, it can no longer be denied. My purpose takes me beyond the skating rinks of Coon Rapids or the worm farms of Steven's Point. I belong in the farthest reaches that the internet can take me, to the ends of the Twitterverse and beyond. I will continue looking for new stories like the Flaccid Avengers that need to be told, and give them the voice that they deserve. From now on I, D'Jasper Probincrux III, go ever onward, pursuing the memeing of life.

Flaccid Files: Zaron9

A couple days before Christmas, I had the honor of being invited to lunch with some of your very own Flaccid Avengers. We met up at Rodizio's, a restaurant known for its all-you-can-eat quinoa salads. In attendance were Impizzle, team captain Ace, and assistant captain Zaron9 along with an entourage of friends. Just before the food comas set in, Zaron was kind enough to talk some shop so we could build his Flaccid File. We covered a wide range of topics even by FF standards, including teamwork, parenting, and even religion. I hope you enjoy the Flaccid Files for Zaron9:

DP3: You came into this season as assistant captain and one of the more capable strikers the Flaccid Avengers had to offer, however there were some well-documented struggles with accuracy. Your shots had a tendency to sail anywhere between 3 and 80 feet high of the goal. Recently, all that has changed. You’ve managed to level out your cannon of a leg and have since been testing the verticals of every keeper in the league. To what do you owe this improvement? Did you do any special routine to break out of the funk or was this a purely mental phenomenon?

Zaron: I would have to say the largest contributor to my increased accuracy would be the addition of WonderWoman to the club. As the finest student I've ever had come through my Academy of Missing The Target, she is currently sporting a 0% shot accuracy which far exceeds my expectations. As such, I've had to swing a pendulum a bit the other way to naturally level things out to around the customary 7%.

DP3: It would be fair to say you’re the busiest man in FIFA. In addition to playing a significant amount of games with the Avengers, you have 2 kids and are running a farm with your wife. Can you talk a bit about balancing all these different aspects of your life? How do you find the hours?

Zaron: Coffee helps to balance all things. Just have a little healthy dose in the morning, another healthy dose in the morning, some more coffee around lunch time, and another cup or two to round it out in the afternoon. Thankfully my wife is very understanding and, after a few hours of hand-holding, is able to run the farm on her own now (albeit inefficiently).

DP3: Follow-up question regarding the little Zarons, have you started them on any FIFA prep-programs yet? Have they had their first micro-transactions?

Zaron: The little Zarons know how to run the toy cash register and can kick a ball, but no specific FIFA training yet.

DP3: One last question, but it’s a bit of a doozy: If my research is correct Zaron, you were named after a legendary hunter from the Online Church of the Phantasy Star. In the PSO church, it is prophesied that one day Zaron will complete his eternal journey through time and space and finally achieve level 200. It goes onto say that when Zaron achieves this, he will ask everyone to privately reflect on their life choices. Now, in my younger days, I too was a follower of the Online Church of the Phantasy Star, spending upwards of 300 hours in worship. Eventually, though, I stopped in favor of more modern alternatives. You, however, have remained a devout church of PSO follower all these years. If you don’t mind, could you talk about how you’ve been able to maintain such strong faith? Do you have any words for those who call the PSO church “outdated”? Finally, do you maintain belief that Zaron will achieve level 200 in our lifetimes, and, if so, what do you think that day will be like?

Zaron: As for PSO, sometimes you just need to have a lot of faith. Most people never even make it half way up the mountain, and I'm knocking on the door of the summit. I imagine that day to feature much rejoicing, a lot of high fives, and maybe one man in the background yelling "RHEEEEEEEE".

Keep climbing, Zaron, and may the Photon Drops be with you. 

I hope all in Flaccid Nation had a fantastic holiday season! In just a couple days, 2017 will be in the rear view mirror and we will be planting our feet in 2018. I sincerely hope you keep coming back to Flaccid Fifa for what will undoubtedly be the most entertaining and original Avengers-related media you'll see this year. Have a happy new year, and flap on, Flaccid Nation!

WoWcracks in the Mirror - Habits Test the Avenger Locker Room

The life of a professional Fifa player is not as easy as it looks. The competition is fierce, opponents repeatedly dive after the ball with no regard to enemy knees. The schedule can be physically taxing, sometimes 5 or 6 games are scheduled on the same night. On top of that, you face constant judgment and ridicule from the league, the media, and even your own teammates. With all that, it's no wonder that career Fifa players often seek respite from this harsh environment. For some, including members of the Flaccid Avengers, that respite goes by the name of 'WoWcrack'.

For those of you unfamiliar, WoWcrack is a widely-popular substance used by an estimated 10 million people world-wide. It has been around for quite some time. Records of its use go back as early as 2004, with the still-popular "Vanilla WoWcrack" variety. WoWcrack is often consumed socially. Groups of up to 40 people convene and use the drug together in what are known as "raiding parties". Over half of all Fifa players reported trying WoWcrack at some point in their careers (often for 1-6 month periods "just to see what it's like"), but an estimated 32.33 (repeating of course) percentage admit that they continue to use recreational WoWcrack during the Fifa regular season. 

WoWcrack is not included on FIFA's banned substances list, so its use is quite legal, but even if there aren't consequences from the league, sometimes WoWcrack creates consequences in the locker room. Last Sunday on social media, TheSaint emptied out the sriracha bottle for this spicy-hot take:  

"I got [into] fifa to play fifa not to watch [my career] collect dust upon my shelf - RIP fun times"

"I blame WoWcrack for derailing our ascention to the sky-courts of Norway"

-thesaint,12/10/17

Though he didn't name names, Saint was almost certainly referencing the behavior of the Flaccid Avenger captain Ace, perhaps the most well known local Fifa player with a WoWcrack habit. Although he later stated he was "decorating the house with [his] mom" that night, Ace has always been transparent about the fact that he schedules team matches and practices around his WoWcrack use. "I have a very clear and consistent schedule when I am scheduled to be on WoWcrack, and am free anytime before those hours." Ace replied when asked for comment. "I would also like to point out that my doctor prescribed me WoWcrack as a means to cope with the stress of another activity the FIFA team has been known to do, which is DOTA." Medicinal WoWcrack prescriptions, while not rare, are still a subject of disagreement in the medical community. Regardless, Ace firmly believes WoWcrack helps him be the best captain he can be, "...without it I would be worse, both on and off the pitch."

If the WoWcrack controversy is negatively effecting the team, you couldn't tell it by the scoreboard. The Avengers recovered from a rough start in most recent season to remain entrenched in D8, and have been playing at a level that should soon make them one of the top 500 teams based out of Eden Prarie. All this while Zaron9 finishes recovering from dysentery and top prospect Wonderwoman continues her battle with spontaneous narcolepsy. Overcoming adversity is the mark of champions, and if the Avengers can persevere through these distractions and continue improving, Flaccid Nation will emerge as strong as ever.

Flaccid Files: Impizzle

Greetings Flaccid Nation!

I'm pleased to report that last week's interview with Avengers Captain Ace brought this blog to heights I didn't think it'd ever reach. In just 3 days, the interview was able to amass 8 views and that number continues to go up each time I borrow a friend's laptop to check. Given its success I've decided to keep up the interviews and turn it into our first ever series: The Flaccid Files! In this edition, veteran forward Impizzle took some time off from drills to speak to me about his heritage, his teammates, and how he almost hung it all up:

DP3: One of the things you're known for in pro circles is your fitness routine. Almost every day you can be seen picking up pieces of broken-off fences and carrying them around on your back. Have you been feeling sore from this routine lately?

Impizzle: In regards to my fitness, I've been trying to really work hard this year to get back into shape. After a year off last year, coach left me out of our teams first matches. He wouldn't even let me be in our reserves. The fences have been a great way to build strength and I'm hoping by the end of the season, I might even be able to carry Fe Fi Fo Fum (Ace) around for a bit.

DP3: Your last name, Buttfumbler, also carries quite a bit of prestige. What percentage of your family is Butt and how much is Fumbler?

Impizzle: My last name comes from a Irish decent. My family name was always Butt (because I come from a long line of A**holes) and I actually choose to add the fumbler to the end...I feel it supports the ball control I have out on the pitch.

DP3: When I sat down with him, Ace mentioned that he signed you from free agency to provide a much needed veteran presence. What's something you've learned from your time in the league that you hope you can pass on to your younger teammates?

Impizzle: My time in free agency was all for but a year. I had actually retired at the end of the the 2016 season and hung up my boots. I realized recently though that I've missed the game too much and needed to return. Upon my return I've realized one thing that all the young stars in this league should take to heart: no one wants to sign a football player taller than 5'3"[6'3''?]. If that's you, there isn't many places you can go. That's why I was so happy that Ace and Zaron were able to get me back to a club that cares about it's players and that doesn't have a height restriction.

DP3: We heard rumors at the beginning of the season that you and stealthpants both requested to be number 69. Typically in these situations we see the younger player give way to the veteran, but you agreed to let him have it in the end. I have to know, what kind of deal did he make with you to get the precious number 69?

Impizzle: I had been talking to players in our club house quite a bit about Stealthpants before my return. He's a very talented young rookie. The kid had the right mindset, makes good players and actually plays defence which is a tough characteristic to find in a player. As we all know the number 69 is the most important number to any professional club. After seeing this kid in action, I felt he could very well become the future of our franchise. And knowing the weight of number 69 will give him that much more incentive to be the best he can.

It's like they always say, 'blessed is he who gives away a 69 for nothing in return.' Keep checking back for more Flaccid Files(!) and elite garbage-level coverage of your favorite team. Stay flaccid folks!

Interview with Flaccid Avengers team captain Ace

Recently I had the privilege of sitting down with Ace before the start of the fifth season to ask him some hot-n-spicy questions about our beloved franchise. Here's how the captain answered:

DP3: First of all, I just want to say you're looking great. You've really slimmed down over these last couple of seasons. To what do you credit your dramatic, medically improbable weight loss? 

(Obviously I would never ask you this directly, so... blink twice if it is 100% steroid injections)

Ace: Good afternoon D'Jasper, thank you for the compliments. To be frank, I am extremely displeased with my weight loss. The Fédération Internationale de Football Association put in these new bullshit rules about maximum height and weight rules in the league. Can you believe it?? Not only did I have to drop 30 pounds to be eligible to play, but I also had to shrink an inch! Do you know how hard it is to shrink an inch?? So yeah, I am extremely displeased with FIFA and their rules. In order to actually lose the weight, I hatched 10km eggs in pokemon go for players in exchange for cash. That was the best way I could think to motivate myself.

DP3: It's no secret that your first seasons as captain weren't filled with success. The Avengers failed to be promoted in their first two seasons, and last season topped out in division 9. How would you describe team morale for future seasons? Are you at all worried about assistant captain Zaron9 staging a coup? 

Ace: The avengers did have a brutal first few seasons, in terms of both W-L as well as goals for vs goals against. The good thing about this team is that we are extremely young. These lads bounce back almost instantly from a loss, forgetting it and playing their hearts out next match. We are hoping that with the addition of veteran Dan "Buttfumbler" Bell in the center mid position, as well as myself and Zaron returning to form, we can make strides up the ladder. As for Zaron staging a coup, I'm not very worried. I've heard rumors of his shot accuracy, he would have to hit me in order to even start a coup.

DP3: We heard rumors in the pre-season about teams asking if first overall pick Wonderwoman was on the trading block. One GM reportedly went as high as 2 FUT packs and a plate of chicken tenders for the rookie, but you declined. Can you sum up your faith in Wonderwoman as a prospect? What is the young player's ceiling?    

Ace: We did have a generous offer for Wonderwoman, and the packs were very tempting. We chose to decline because we have the utmost faith in her abilities. She has been overcoming the flu for the past three seasons (it just will NOT go away), so we think her performance will be spiking very soon. The sky is the limit for her, an extremely unselfish player with a balanced skillset.

DP3: You guys have seen some highs and lows so far this season. The highs including thesaint's solid debut and the lows being stealthpants' literal physical height. What would you say are the highs and lows of the Flaccid Avengers' fourth season?

Ace: Well the low is definitely one of our players being 5'5". We made the flaccidavengers in order to not be meta, and this is a disappointment. We also believe in allowing each player to be as creative as they want in order to maximize their fun, so there will be no reprimands for his height. The high for the season will be when we can get all six of our core players together this weekend for some games. I believe sparks will be flying and the offense will click!

Thanks to the captain for his time! Be sure to check back for more coverage from Season 5. Stay Flaccid!

Meet Your New Beat Writer

Greetings Flaccid Nation! My name is D'Jasper Probincrux III and I'm very excited about my promotion to beat writer for the Avengers. I wanted to introduce myself to you, the dedicated fanbase.

I graduated from UW-Steven's Point in 2009 with a major in Worm Permaculture and a minor in Theatre. Since then, I've been a DJ at the Cheapskate in Coon Rapids and am a frequent guest judge for the MN State Fair's Butter Sculpture Competition. I have been following FIFA for roughly 72 hours, but I've seen Bend it Like Beckham at least a dozen times, so I think I've got this under control.

That's enough about me, we've got quite the team on our hands here, and I can't wait to serve up spicy meatballs from my hot takes buffet. Coming soon we'll have an interview with the team captain, and a prospect profile for 2016 first overall draft pick Wonderwoman. Stay tuned Flaccid Nation!