Week 3 Recap - Updated Sheets

Week 3 saw a leveling of the playing field, as the two teams who had yet to grasp victory absolutely

seized it. And amidst a sea of 1-2’s and 2-1’s a single 3-0 team has emerged.

Let’s break down Week 3 in the LaQuon Treadwell Memorial Leauge.  WEEK 3 RECAP:

Outdated Sheets (1-2) def. Knobby Packers (2-1)

188.14 - 168.02

Outdated Sheets broke out of their rut in grand fashion, posting the high score of the week and the young season. They would need nearly all of it to win their first game over the Knobby Packers. The schedule gods have been cruel so far this year: For the second time in three weeks, the top two scores happened to be matched up against each other. 

KNOB brought the week’s top performance at RB with Alvin Kamara (44.7) and D/ST with Indianapolis (27:pogchamp), but it was not enough to defeat a complete team effort by SHTS. 5 of the 7 skill players on SHTS posted at least 20 points, with Josh Allen (31.2) leading the charge on his dick-dropping tour. When asked what he did to inspire his team, owner Zach Pauras said, “I didn’t want to start the season like the vikings so I told the team if we won this week everyone was getting Dilly Bars from DQ.”

Team Grimm (2-1) def. Respect the Specs (1-2) 

136.78 - 107.18

Team Grimm improves to 2-1 on the backs of two 30+ point RB performances. This, despite the injury bug continuing to nag, as GRIM TE Dallas Geoddart had a 1st Quarter exit. For GOGS, it was a subdued performance as last week’s fantasy hydra, JuTyvin Riddlebee, could not repeat the magic of Week 2, and FLEX Dionte Johnson was lost early to a concussion. Newly freed RB Nick Chubb ended up posting the high water mark for the team at 24 points. Perhaps last week’s benching was merely a motivational tactic. 

When Does Hockey Start (1-2) def. Hostert with the Mostert (1-2)

166.3 - 118.9

Owner Dan Bell returns from the Pro Disc-Golf Tour to lead WILD to their first victory in a near-50 point spanking of Hostert with the Mostert. Sources say owner Evan Wilberg spent an inordinate amount of his Saturday sweating his FLEX selection, and despite a team-leading performance by Michael Gallup, it proved completely meaningless. Tyler Lockett dominated with 3TD’s and 100 Yards, and Patrick Mahomes did as Patrick Mahomes does, spearheading WILD’s impressive week. Bell’s return coincided with the return of WR Kenny Golladay, which would cause a lesser reporter to speculate that last week’s injury may have really been frisbee-related.

Too Many Cooks (3-0) def. 3 Pete (1-2)

150.8 - 120.9

While there are no more winless teams in the LaQuon Treadwell Memorial League, there is only one lossless one. Too Many Cooks improves to 3-0 and takes sole possession of first place in the league (yessss, let the jinx flow through you…). FLEX pick Keenan Allen showed up hard with a 30 point day. Russell Wilson also put up great numbers, solidifying his standing as the top QB in the LTML. On the flip-side, 3 Pete attempted to find a spark at QB by replacing Tom Brady with Gardner Minshew. Unfortunately, Minshew’s play could not match the superiority of his facial hair. The 27.6 spread between Minshew and Wilson was very nearly the entire difference in the week’s matchup. Regardless, I am a fan 3 Pete’s acquisition. Minshew is a tragically overlooked figure, and if you don’t believe me you should look up his post-game interview last week where he revealed he was not included in the team’s TD cellies.

With the recaps in the books, it's time for...

Sometimes we don’t choose the Oofs, but rather the Oofs choose us. Such is the case this week as it goes to the Knobby Packers for out-scoring every team in the league… except the one that they were facing. This is the 2nd time in 3 weeks a team has been screwed by the schedule gods. This seemed highly unlikely, so I hired an analytics firm to calculate the exact odds of this taking place. They told me this kind of thing occurs only 4.2069% of the time. We are truly blessed.  

WEEK 4 MATCHUPS:

Team Grimm (2-1) vs. Hostert with the Mostert (1-2)

Outdated Sheets (1-2) vs. 3 Pete (1-2)

Knobby Packers (2-1) vs. Too Many Cooks (3-0)

Respect the Specs (1-2) vs. When Does Hockey Start (1-2)

League News:

One more reminder that if you haven’t yet paid your $20 entry fee, please send it via Venmo: @EvanWilberg. We’ve got almost everyone. ***In light of the recent positive COVID-19 tests for Tennessee, I wanted to remind everyone that entry fees will be returned if the season is called off early.

Best of luck to all teams this week. The commish wanted me to mention that he will be taking any action on the MLB postseason. Unless the Twins are swept in the first round, in which case he’s gonna need some time.

Week 2 Recap - Everybody Hurts

A rash of big name injuries casts a pall on an otherwise entertaining Week 2 in the LTML. It is a dangerous world out there: If the ‘Rona don’t get you, the 250-pound hyper-athlete flying at your legs probably will. Despite this, there is still cause for celebration this week as I introduce a brand-new segment. BUT FIRST! The results from Week 2:  

WEEK 2 RECAP:

(1-1) 3 Pete def. (0-2) When Does Hockey Start

140.98 - 137.78

    3P nips its first win of the year in a closer-than-anticipated matchup over WILD. Owner Kevin Duong received solid contributions across the board from everyone not named Tom Brady. The same could be said for the WILD roster, great showings all around except for Kenny Golladay, which is pretty understandable since he was out with a hamstring injury just like week 1.

    As you may have noticed from the score above, any warm body off the bench to replace Golladay would have resulted in a WILD victory. Hell, if they had claimed and started Bisi Johnson, it would have been enough to put them over the edge for their first victory. I very nearly thought about making this lapse the ‘Oof of the Week’, except for one thing: Owner Dan Bell has already made it well known how hands-off his ownership style is. In an early meeting regarding the draft, Bell told the commissioner, “I have a life and don’t care about fantasy like most people,” and advised the league to “enjoy roflstomping me all season.” So far, rival owners are playing right into his hand.

(2-0) Too Many Cooks def. (1-1) Hostert with the Mostert

170.42 - 140.84

    In real football, many have rejoiced about the Seahawks finally letting Russell Wilson cook with his offense. That means, in the Laquon Treadwell Memorial League, he’s exactly where he ought to be. Wilson’s 5 TD performance led Too Many Cooks to the highest score of the week and a victory over freshly re-branded Hostert with the Mostert. TMC shined in prime-time, scoring almost half their points during the Sunday and Monday night games. HOST QB Kyler Murray’s performance was nearly as prolific as Wilson’s, but mid-game injuries to Davante Adams and Raheem Mostert deflated their overall production. All things considered, HOST got off easy with the injury bug this week. Adams is day-to-day with hamstring issues and Mostert is likely to miss one week with stomach cramps related to rapid pasta intake (and an MCL sprain).

(1-1) Respect the Specs def. (0-2) Outdated Sheets

132.86 - 112.28

    It was a wild ride of a week for Respect the Specs. Many of the finer details we will cover in our new segment, but at the end of the day, they got it done and secured their first win. Calvin Ridley had another monster game, combining with Julian Edelman and Tyler Higbee to create a bizarre hydra of fantasy magic. That’s the last good news for GOGS. Ready for the half-good news? Their K/Mascot Kenny Blankenship played well enough to outscore every RB in the matchup. That’s the last half-good news. Ready for the suck? You probably already know. Saquon Barkley is done for the year. As is Nick Bosa, key player in the SF Defense. Also, the Falcons lost in a way that can cruelly be described as vintage. Don’t get me wrong, they won the week and all, but in the words of co-owner Katie Hart, “!fuck.”

    As for Outdated Sheets, it was Josh Allen followed with death-by-a-thousand-mehs. Owner Zach Pauras did nothing wrong. Leonard Fournette may have lit up the bench, but few in an 8-team league would’ve started him. Plus, he started losing star players to injuries last week, before it was cool. An 0-2 start has Pauras preaching “doom and gloom for the Outdated Sheets,” but there’s more hope for his team than other 0-2 ones in Minnesota. On a final note, for all my gushing about Wilson and Murray, Josh Allen beat them with a cool 34.48. Is that sustainable? Hell if I know, I just write meme blogs.

(2-0) Knobby Packers def. (1-1) Team Grimm

159.7 - 145.8

    This was the matchup of the week, folks. It was a back and forth affair with star performances, comebacks, and counter-comebacks. KNOB got off to a blazing start on the back of Aaron Jones’ mammoth 45.6 point performance. Then, just as he did in IRL football, Dak Prescott dragged his team back into it, giving GRIM a 27.5 lead after Sunday’s games concluded. KNOB had Alvin Kamara and the Saints D/ST yet to play on Monday, and the projections had it coming down to a 0.3 difference. Kamara got off to a hot start and looked to put KNOB over the top early, but then the Saints D buckled. They started hemorrhaging points and gave GRIM back the lead with as little as 4:45 left to go in the 4th. A Saints 3-and-out could have sealed it for Team Grimm, but alas the stars did what stars do. Brees and Kamara connected often against the Vegas prevent D, and put the game firmly in the hands of Knobby Packers with a final score that is not indicative of how close the matchup was. KNOB improves to 2-0, and is not somebody you will want to face until at least one of his RB’s chills the fuck out.

    GRIM did well to shed themselves of most of their Vikings pieces from Week 1, but now face other news that is even grimmer: Christian McCaffrey, the 1st overall pick by anyone who isn’t memeing, will be out 4-6 weeks with the dreaded high ankle sprain. Cortland Sutton was also thrown onto the funeral pyre with tears in all of his CL’s. “2020 was a mistake.” said owner Jared Grimm. 

Speaking of mistakes, it’s time for a brand new segment that I call…

    One of the Fantasy Football proverbs, known by nerds with enough spare time to listen to Fantasy Football podcasts, is that the key for Week 2 is not overreacting to Week 1. If that’s the case, it’s safe to say GOGS co-owner Nathan Hart is, in fact, not a nerd.

    Following an admittedly poor Week 1 performance against one of the league’s best defenses, Hart decided to bench RB Nick Chubb in favor of *checks notes*... Nyheim Hines. Chubb, former Bulldog and last year’s runner-up to the rushing title, proceeded to eviscerate the Bengals to the tune of 124 yards and 2 TD’s. Hines, who began the year as third on the Colts RB depth chart, caught one pass for 4 yards against the Minnesota “New Bengals” Vikings. Hines’ performance, coupled with the injury to Barkley, gave GOGS a grand total of 4.2 points from their Week 2 Running Backs. That’s enough for the Oof of the week.

    Now, TO BE FAIR, I did have some hesitation about selecting this as our inaugural Oof of the Week. Hart has already publicly acknowledged this oof (“I made bad choices”), and in the end he still won the damn game. You could speculate, as I did earlier, that WILD’s owner Dan Bell is more deserving for starting an injured player and losing by 3, but if an oof falls in the middle of a meme blog, and the oof-er isn’t around to read it, is it still an oof?

WEEK 3 MATCHUPS:

(1-1) HOST vs. (0-2) WILD

(1-1) 3P vs. (2-0) TMC

(1-1) GRIM vs. (1-1) GOGS

(0-2) SHTS vs (2-0) KNOB

League News

Nothing new League-wise. Best of luck in Week 3, and remember to bless all the knees and keep them healthy.

Week 1 - Recap

Hello sports fans/degenerate gamblers, and welcome to D'Jasper Probincrux's  coverage of the 2020 LaQuon Treadwell Memorial League. Some of you may remember me from my coverage of FIFA 2018's Flaccid Avengers, a team that really took the league by hostage before collapsing internally like the stars that they were. Following that assignment I left in search of the memeing of life, and after reading the Wikipedia page for 2020 so far, I believe I'm in the right place...

Each week until the league gets cancelled, I'll give a summary of the match-ups along with any other questionably relevant league news. The commish forwarded me an advance of $160 over Venmo, so expect that level of quality.

We'll start with the match-ups for this week

(1-0) The Minnesota Fantasy Team def. (0-1) 3 Pete

185.1 - 155.3

The squad formerly known as The Minnesota Fantasy Team posted this week's top score of 185.1 in a victory over returning, returning, returning champions 3 Pete. A textbook case of Fantasy blue balls, 3 Pete's score of 155.3 would have been a win in any other Week 1 match-up. MNFT benefited from riding the week's top WR1, RB1, and TE performances. Accepting Davante Adams' 41.6 points felt, "reminiscent to Judas' 30 silver pieces," said owner Evan Wilberg, but he insists he came to grips with Adams' necessary evil when he drafted him. 3 Pete did find a silver lining in the performance of Kansas City rookie RB Clyde Edwards-Helaire, who seems to set up for success as a the ground compliment to Patrick Mahomes' prolific passing attack. If his level of production continues, 3 Pete will likely boast the best RB combo in the league with Edwards-Helaire and Ezekiel Elliot.

(1-0) Too Many Cooks def. (0-1) When Does Hockey Start 

130.68 - 125.34

After expertly stocking their kitchen during the draft, Too Many Cooks served up a spicy meatball with a 130.68 to 125.34 victory over When Does Hockey Start. Only one of the three Cooks got the start, but between Dalvin and the Seattle duo of Chris Carson and Russell Wilson, it was enough. AI enthusiast Dan Bell had a very different drafting strategy, and very nearly pulled off the victory led by fourth overall pick Patrick Mahomes. In fact, WILD was inches away from a last second upset if A.J. Brown had hauled in his final target in the End Zone. When asked if he was disappointed, Bell was unavailable, citing disc golf obligations.

(1-0) Team Grimm def. (0-1) Outdated Sheets

104.94 - 98.18

Team Grimm was among the Week 1 winners, taking its match-up with Outdated Sheets. GRIM had to overcome a self-inflicted wound in the form of the Vikings defense/special teams, whose -9 points absorbed the contributions of the other two Vikings starters, K Dan Bailey and TE Irv Smith Jr. Luckily, Run CMC and Julio Jones provided anchor performances. Outdated Sheets was snakebit by a high ankle sprain to WR1 and seventh overall pick Michael Thomas. This finicky injury, combined with a strong bench performance by Jameson Crowder, presents SHTS owner Zach Paurus with some tough decisions for Week 2. For guidance, this reporter recommends flipping coins or casting chicken bones. 

(1-0) Knobby Packers def. (0-1) Respect The Specs
154.22 - 118.4

Knobby Packers put up an impressive 154.22 points en route to a victory over Respect The Specs (118.4). KNOB WR1 Adam Thielen led the way with a garbage-time feast, but the entire team contributed to the solid start. In contrast, GOGS suffered below-average performances by everyone not named Calvin Ridley and Lamar Jackson, and an uncharacteristically bad day from Nick Chubb.  GOGS is a better squad than Week 1 would have you believe. That said, it is my duty as a journalist to point out that GOGS K/Team Mascot Kenny Blankenship (50th overall) was out-performed by KNOB K Harrison Butker (117th overall), and almost tripled-up by FLEX Will Fuller V (53rd overall). Going into Monday night, RB1 Saquon Barkley could still deliver GOGS a victory with a mere 50-point performance. Co-owner Nathan Hart described his chances, "as good as Swift making the game winning catch in his rookie nfl game." 

WEEK 2 MATCH-UPS:

HOST*(1-0) vs. TMC (1-0)
3P (0-1) vs. WILD (0-1)
KNOB (1-0) vs. GRIM (1-0)
SHTS (0-1) vs. GOGS (0-1)

*formerly MNFT

League News

• The league payout format will be as it was in years past: 
• Champion gets $120 
• Runner-up gets $40 
• Everyone else will have to find redemption in DotA.
  
  
• If the league does not finish, your entry fee will be returned.
   
• If you haven't paid your $20 entry fee yet, please send it to the commish via Venmo: @EvanWilberg 

And finally:

• After struggling all off-season with re-branding and copyright issues, The Minnesota Fantasy Team has finally secured the rights to its new identity. Starting Week 2, the MNFT will now be known as team "Hostert With The Mostert". Reasons for the delay were largely due to negotiation breakdowns between ownership and Raheem Mostert's agent regarding compensation. Though the terms of the deal are officially classified, my sources say ownership ended up offering Mostert's camp between 48-52 cans of Chef Boyardee. In a press conference following the deal, owner Evan Wilberg addressed fans and shareholders, "As an organization, we are elated to have a found an identity that is both corny and dank enough to belong in a modern fantasy league. I want to assure our loyal fans, that this is still, in every way, a Minnesota organization. You can rest assured that we stay true to our local roots, and that every year we will fail to live up to our early expectations."

With that, Week 1 is in the books! See you next Tuesday, and good luck in Week 2!