Week 5 Recap: On Knees and the Health Thereof

December 17th, 2017. 10:38 left in the 4th quarter. The 10-3 Minnesota Vikings are completing an effortless, 34-7 dispatch of Marvin Lewis’ Cincinnati Bengals. The game was decided hours ago, and yet something has driven every fan left at U.S. Bank Stadium to their feet. To thunderous applause, Teddy Bridgewater is introduced as the replacement quarterback for the Minnesota Vikings. The last time he took meaningful snaps, he set up his kicker for a chip shot to win his first playoff game, and looked like maybe, just maybe, he might be the Viking’s long-awaited answer at quarterback. Sadly, neither of those came to be. You know the story. In the following training camp, on a non-contact play, Teddy crumples to the ground. His ACL completely tears, and his knee dislocates. Most accounts say the actions of the VIkings’ medical staff saved his leg, some say they saved his life. Although his comeback 15 months later is undoubtedly triumphant, his path was forever altered.

Nov. 18th, 2018. For 11 months, the leg-gods have been kept at bay by constant prayers and the sacrifice of Sam Bradford. Unfortunately for the 6-3 first place Washington Redskin Potatoes and their QB Alex Smith, there would be no mercy today. Smith is hit by two Texans in the backfield and does not get up. His tacklers obscure the play at first, but the replay shows a lower leg bending in a way that makes one’s hair stand on-edge. It is a spiraling compound fracture, from his ankle to his knee. He is rushed to the hospital, and operated upon that night. All seems stable until Smith starts running a fever over the next couple of days. They discover that Smith’s injury has contracted a rare infection, the type usually found from brackish waters or WW1 trenches. It wipes out his right leg to the point that he needs to transfer muscle from his left leg to have a chance at restoring it. But… it works. Smith fights and he rehabs, and over the next year and a half, he works his way back. Not only is he alive, not only is he walking, but he is a quarterback for a professional football team.

October 11th, 2020. 1:53 left in the 2nd quarter. Washington Football Team starter Kyle Allen has been removed from the game after a helmet-to-helmet collision. Sophomore QB Dwayne Haskins has been demoted and is not even in the stadium due to a stomach virus. In these circumstances, with the backdrop of a pandemic, Alex Smith takes the field. Instead of the Bridgewater-sized ovation he deserves, there is only a fraction of FedEx field filled to welcome him back. Yet among the diminished crowd, there are the 4 that count the most. Smith’s wife and 3 children cheer wildly as they witness him complete his journey back. Smith is unable to rally the mostly hapless Football Team to a victory but nobody gives a shit. It’s the type of uplifting moment that represents sports at its best. Smith instantly becomes the Vegas favorite to win Comeback Player of the Year, and if he doesn’t get it the NFL should be yeeted into the sun. Smith’s return would uplift the jaded spirits of sports fans and get us all wondering if we really could have nice things. Right up until...   

The leg-gods prove themselves to be cruel, vindictive assholes.  Dak Prescott, in the midst of a record-pace, contract year, sees an opening in the Giant’s D-line and tucks the ball in for a rush. 9 yards later, he’s brought down by Rashad Jennings on what looks like a regular tackle… until Jennings starts pointing, first at Prescott’s ankle and then at the sidelines. Then Prescott himself signals the sidelines with one hand while the other supports his leg. Next the referee, pointing and blowing the clock dead at what was a shockingly apparent injury. Dak’s ankle wrappings spared us the sight of bone breaking skin, but there is absolutely no mistaking the severity of what took place. Dak is in tears as he was carted off the field, which I thought was incredible, since if that were me I’d 100% be passed the fuck out. Through his hard work and efforts, Dak had set himself up to cash in on a high-risk, specialized career. Now, like Teddy and Alex before him, he faces a long and uncertain road that will forever be different from what he intended. It’s the circle of gruesome injuries in the NFL.

I hope Dak gets to taste the triumph of his immediate predecessors. Teddy has returned to a starting role, making the most out of his tools in Carolina, while Smith’s career history doesn’t leave him anything left to prove. Dak’s timeline for recovery appears faster, but it can’t be taken for granted. Like it or not, he has found himself in the midst of this cycle.

So what, you may ask as one of seven readers of a fantasy football blog, is the point of all that? Well, my takeaway is that maybe the next time I feel like swearing in front of my nieces on Sunday because my flex pick drops a target in the end-zone, potentially costing me 1/15 of my season culminating in a $20 wager, I can, instead, chill the fuck out and count my blessings.

TL;DR: BLESS ALL THE KNEES (AND ANKLES) AND KEEP THEM HEALTHY

Enough about kneecaps, let’s get to recaps.

WEEK 5 RECAPS

Knobby Packers (4-1) def. When Does Hockey Start (2-3)

149.26 - 140.5

A combination of solid wide receiver play and strategic jinxing on discord delivers Knobby Packers their fourth win out of five games. Adam Theilen gobbled up all the points that many thought he’d be splitting with Justin Jefferson and QB Deshaun Watson came off the bench and took care of business. This was a clutch win for KNOB as their top performing Aarons were both on their bye this week. When does Hockey Start made it interesting in what was by far the closest margin this week. As Knobby Packers owner Alex St. Peter pointed out, WILD were on pace for the highest score of the week during the early games, “Yeah, errbody go off against me when they play me.” It turned out to be a perfectly executed jinx. Tyler Lockett had a quiet game by his standards, and the Chiefs D/ST had an awful game by all standards. That was enough to be the difference. WILD’s momentum is cooled after winning two straight, but not by much. Since returning from the Pro Disc Golf Tour in Week 3, WILD are averaging almost 140 points a week and are currently 3rd in Points For on the year. Plus I heard owner Dan Bell won a pink basket or some shit. Still a good week for him.

Too Many Cooks (4-1) def. Outdated Sheets (2-3)

154.38 - 105.22

Just when you thought those sheets were updated… 

Too Many Cooks wins by nearly 50 points over Outdated Sheets. TMC’s starters delivered yet another consistently good team effort, highlighted by Mike Davis and Russell Wilson. They remain on top of their division and are tied with Knobby Packers for the league’s best record. Owner Aaron Preese does face a bit of a test up ahead, losing Dalvin Cook most likely for the next two weeks due to injury and bye. Perhaps it’s another Cook’s time to shine, as Brandin Cooks just put up 30 from the bench. There’s plenty of ammunition in the kitchen.

As for Outdated Sheets, we’ll cover them… later.

 

Hostert With The Mostert (2-3) def. Respect the Specks (1-4)

125.3 - 85.2 

Hostert With The Mostert gets off the schnide and celebrates the return of their namesake with a mostly comfortable win. The matchup was a toss-up after the early games. Respect the Specs did what Dan Quinn could not and got the most out of their Falcons players, enough to mitigate an early injury to Dionte Johnson. For the afternoon games, much rested on the health of Raheem Mostert, who was a gametime decision. Luckily for HOST, he did suit up. Not only did Mostert produce respectable numbers, he hoovered the touches from Jerrick McKinnon, who GOGS started off the waiver wire. This, combined with a tepid Lamar Jackson and invisible Justin Jefferson, put the game away on Sunday for HOST. With Mostert and Davante Adams back in the fold, HOST looks to regain some lost ground in Week 6.

GOGS tumbles to the bottom of the league as the only 1-4 team. Unfortunate as that is, co-owners Nathan and Katie Hart can take solace in the fact that that’s one more win than Quinn will have this year.

3 Pete (2-3) def. Team Grimm (3-2)

167.14 - 68.44

We’ve had a few well documented matchups between the top two scoring teams, but this week, for the first time in our young season, we have the week’s top score matched up with the week’s lowest. 3 Pete took an awful lot of frustration out on Team Grimm en route to their second win. Elliot, Hopkins, Metcalf, and Bal D/ST all went off for 20+ points, and Minshew very nearly joined them. 3P very nearly hammered down a 100 point margin of victory, but landed just 1 point short because Stephen Gostkowski had first-world kicker problems, going 6/6 on XP’s.

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It appears that Team Grimm might be cursed. Just in time for spooky season, GRIM boasts the most talented graveyard in the league. Christian McCaffrey (1st round), Austin Ekeler (2nd round), Julio Jones (3rd round), and now Dak Prescott (9th round) have all missed or will miss significant time this season. Prescott had been a stalwart of GRIM’s squad this season, and until he can get some of his playmakers back, owner Jared Grimm will be forced to build his roster out of James Robinson and scotch tape. At first, I had this paragraph as ‘Oof of the Week’ until I realized I would literally be adding insult to injury. All that in mind, it’s rather impressive that with this roflstomping behind them, GRIM is still above .500. They’ll be forced to hold fast against a formidable Too Many Cooks squad next week.

So about those SHTS. You may have noticed a 0.0 in their active lineup, from stud WR Michael Thomas no less. 0.0 from Thomas hasn’t been unusual this year because he has been out with an injury since week 1, but this week he was scheduled to be back. So, during the week owner Zach Pauras returns his first round pick to his rightful place in the roster. All is well until late afternoon on Sunday when Thomas is suddenly ruled out, not for an injury but for allegedly being a big doo-doo head to a teammate. At the time, Pauras was driving through Wisconsin (first mistake), blissfully unaware that his sheets were indeed outdated. By the time he noticed the change, all of his benched receivers had been locked in. His only option at this point is to go pick up a Monday or Tuesday night player from Free Agency. But there’s a problem...

Meet Le’Veon Bell. Like Thomas, he was injured in week 1 and expected to return week 5, but unlike Thomas, he was given an IR slot by both the Jets and the SHTS. Also unlike Thomas, Bell wasn’t expected to be a top-tier talent this year, so it would make sense if Pauras wasn’t closely monitoring his recovery. Saturday afternoon, right about the time most people have lives, Bell is activated from the Jets injured reserve, making him now ineligible for the SHTS IR slot. The way fantasy football punishes this is prohibiting any moves until the uninjured player is moved from IR. So at Noon on Sunday, when Paurus was whipping by cheese castles on 94 and Bell was locked in for the Jets, outdated those sheets would stay. SHTS went on to lose by 49 and would be outscored by their own bench. “I understand how it works, it doesn’t mean I am happy about it.” said Paurus of the kerfuffle. It should be noted that, at time of posting, Bell has been cut by the Jets but is still sitting comfortably in the SHTS IR.

Now, all that said, how important was that mix-up? Was Pauras really going to find someone from a limited Free Agency pool to make an actual difference in that game? No, almost certainly not. And that’s what makes this final detail the true Oof in my mind: After missing out on replacing Thomas Monday night and down by almost 90, Paurus had an opportunity to bench his two remaining starters and end the week with 69 points. He did not. Instead Derrick Henry and Josh Allen played and they were fine. Just fine. He finished with 105 points on the week, which is fine. Not great. Just fine. The question I have for Paurus is: Why be ‘fine’ when you could have been ‘nice’? 

That’s enough for the Oof of the Week.

WEEK 6 MATCHUPS

Knobby Packers (4-1) vs. Hostert with the Mostert (2-3)

Team Grimm (3-2) vs. Too Many Cooks (4-1)

Outdated Sheets (2-3) vs. When Does Hockey Start (2-3)

Respect the Specs (1-4) vs. 3 Pete (2-3)

No league news this week. Take care y’all. Kiss your moms, kiss your knees. Kiss your mom’s knees. Do what you gotta do and good luck in Week 6!