"FIFA RIP"

Wrap it up folks, after a tense fourteen weeks of on-again-off-again talks, the negotiations between the Flaccid Avengers and the Fédération Internationale de Football Association have been declared officially dead. 

An EA/FIFA spokeman spoke to a crowd of dozens at a press conference Tuesday,

"We announce that effective immediately the team known as the 'Flaccid Avengers' are banned from participation in FIFA leagues. Moreover, we encourage anyone with information on the whereabouts of rouge forward Stealthpants to come forth as he is still wanted for several knee and leg injuries to our officials."

When asked if they were concerned that the Avengers' departure would hurt the sport he replied, "Of course not. We still have their money."

The Avengers leave behind a small yet dedicated fan base who populated Flaccid Nation through highs, such as the team's ascension to D7, and lows, like a 400 minute scoring drought.

"Am I sad? Absolutely." said an anonymous fan on Twitch. "We all saw their promise, but at the end of the day it's extremely difficult to keep superstars of such caliber together."

Indeed, the writing seemed to be on the wall for those following the team in 2018. In addition to the Stealthpants serial slide-tackle incident mentioned above, confusion over Ace's well documented WoWcrack hobby caused friendly flaming among the Avengers' own ranks. TheSaint's playing visa expired in early February which he chose not to renew because "fifa rip". In perhaps the final nail in the coffin, top prospect Wonderwoman was spotted in Georgia last month, presumably eyeing a transition to the MLS' Atlanta United. 

Though the team has disbanded, this is not the end for the player's careers in the public eye. They remain in regular contact with each other and engage in the occasional round of impeccable and mistake-free Dota. Former team captain Ace has already landed on his feet. He has augmented his WoWcrack schedule with a successful IRL cooking show, pulling in more views in one session preparing tacos than all of the Flaccid Avengers games combined. I managed to catch up to him on a break in his intense schedule and asked him to sum up the Flaccid Avengers' legacy:

"In the end, it all reminds me of a Greek tragedy, you know? Dickarus. That's us. We got flaccid too close to the toaster."

As fitting an epitaph as there could be. Flaccid then. Flaccid now. Flaccid Forever.

As for this reporter, I find myself at a crossroads. Even though my career as a FIFA reporter is over, I find myself unable to return to the life I left behind. There comes a time in every man's life when he discovers his purpose, and once he does, it can no longer be denied. My purpose takes me beyond the skating rinks of Coon Rapids or the worm farms of Steven's Point. I belong in the farthest reaches that the internet can take me, to the ends of the Twitterverse and beyond. I will continue looking for new stories like the Flaccid Avengers that need to be told, and give them the voice that they deserve. From now on I, D'Jasper Probincrux III, go ever onward, pursuing the memeing of life.